Shame

way the picture suddenly froze and everything stopped. She couldn’t even tell whether the ticking from the wall clock could still be heard. Then everything started to move again, but a little more slowly now. As if the paralysis still lingered and had to be softened up before everything could be restored. Her father’s smile was not exactly erased, rather it happened through a gradual change in the expression on his face. His features dissolved and when they finally coalesced again Maj-Britt could read utter despair in his face.
    ‘But …’
    ‘And of course we will get married since we intend to live together.’
    She could hear the desperation in Göran’s voice. She looked at her mother. She was sitting with her head bowed and her hands clasped in her lap. Her right thumb was rubbing her left hand, swiftly moving back and forth.
    Then Maj-Britt met her father’s eyes, and what she saw she would spend the rest of her life trying to forget. She saw sorrow, but something else that was much more familiar. Contempt. Her lies had been revealed and she had betrayed her parents. The ones who had done everything for her, done everything to help her. Now she had turned her back on them and the Congregation by choosing a man outside their circle, and she hadn’t even asked for their approval. She had simply come here and forced them into their fine clothes and delivered her message.
    She couldn’t identify the colour of her father’s face.
    ‘I’d like to speak with Maj-Britt in private.’
    Göran didn’t budge from his chair.
    ‘No. I’m staying here. From now on you will have to regard us as a couple, and what concerns Majsan also concerns me.’
    Yes, the clock was indeed ticking. She could hear it now. She was resting in the regular rhythm, tick, tock, tick, tock.
    ‘I think I still have the right to talk to my own daughter in private!’
    ‘She is my future wife. From now on we do everything together.’
    ‘All right, stay if you want. You may as well hear it. It was decided long ago whom Maj-Britt would marry, and you’re not the one, I can assure you of that. His name is Gunnar Gustavsson. A young man in the Congregation, and both Maj-Britt’s mother and I have great confidence in him. I don’t know what sort of belief you have, but since I have never seen you at any of our meetings I strongly doubt that you are of the same faith as Maj-Britt, and therefore marriage is out of the question.’
    Maj-Britt stared at her father. Gunnar Gustavsson? The boy who had sat in his best suit at the pastor’s home and watched her be humiliated? Her father looked at her and his voice dripped with disgust.
    ‘Don’t look so confused. You know very well that it was arranged long ago. But we and Gunnar have decided to wait until God regards you as ready since you have had such problems with …’
    He broke off and his lower lip quivered when he pressed his lips together. Two pink strips with nothing but white around them. Her mother was rocking back and forth and a low moaning was heard. In her lap her fingers were twisting round each other over and over.
    ‘What sort of problems?’
    It was Göran who asked. Only Göran wondered what sort of problems she had had. She was back in the pastor’s dining room. Sitting there naked and bound and maybe it was all her fault. They had done everything to save her but she refused to let herself be saved. And since she wouldn’t obey she had damned herself for all eternity, which was one thing; but she had also dragged them down with her in the fall. Because they had conceived her in sin, and their God wouldn’t have anything to do with her. Because in the end she gave up and was no longer willing to renounce everything to please Him. And now Göran wondered what sort of problems she had had, and if there was the slightest chance of undoing everything she had done then she must do it now.
    ‘I asked what sort of problems Majsan has had.’
    There was irritation in his voice, and Maj-Britt was astonished at how it was possible for him actually to dare take such a tone here and now and in this house. Everything she had learned and realised in the past year drained out of her. The certainty that the love she and Göran shared was pure and beautiful, that it had made her grow as a human being. The conviction that because it made them so happy it was meant to be and could not be a sin. Not even to their God. Now suddenly nothing felt certain any longer.
    ‘Why don’t