Shame

finally, the fourteenth time she tried He had spoken to her again. Paul’s first letter to Timothy. Her finger had not landed precisely there, but on the next page, but she knew it was because she had been too excited and her finger had missed the right verse. It was 1 Timothy 4:16 He wanted to show her, she knew it.
    Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you .
    Thankful for His answer, she closed her eyes. She remembered the verse from the Congregation. An admonition to go out and save your fellow man and thereby rescue them from eternal fire. A good deed. He wanted her to save someone else and thus also save herself. But who was it she was supposed to save? Who? Who was it who needed her help?
    * * *
    She got up and went over to the balcony door. On the wall across the way the windows reflected black. Only a single lamp was attempting to defy the dark of night. She wanted to open the door and take a quick breath of the outside air. The desire was new and unfamiliar. She placed her hand on the door handle, saw the black windows staring at her like evil eyes and gave up. She left the door and went back to her easy chair.

    The Bible felt heavy in her hand. Once again she let her thumb choose a page. He mustn’t let her down now, now that she had understood what she had to do but not how to proceed. She was asking for a lot, she knew that. He had already shown His great benevolence through the answers He had given her.
    ‘Only one more answer, Lord, then I shall never again ask You for anything. Just show me who it is You want me to save.’
    She closed her eyes. For the last time she let her thumb glide along the closed pages of the Bible. If He did not answer now, then she wouldn’t try again. She turned to the page. With her eyes closed she let her index finger fall and then sat still, gathering her courage.
    The fifty-second Psalm. He had not let her down.
    In a sudden calm, everything fell into place.
    There was only one Monika Lundvall in the telephone book.

    Maj-Britt hung up the phone. With a strong grip on the Holy Scriptures she took a few deep breaths. She had done it, done as He instructed, and that should have made her feel reassured. And yet her heart was beating hard. Her finger was still wedged in between the covers, and she turned to the page to convince herself once more that she really had the right to do what she planned to do. Despite her promise she had asked Him another question. And He had given His consent. The page she turned to had the word ‘Yes’ five times and ‘No’ only twice.

    Saba was sleeping soundly in her basket and Maj-Britt tried to take some comfort in the peaceful sound of the dog’s breathing. So many nights it had helped her to calm down. The knowledge that someone was there in the dark. Someone who needed her. Someone who would be there when she woke up and be glad to see her. Now the comforting breathing gave her a guilty conscience. Saba would be left behind to meet the same uncertain fate as she would. The only difference was that Saba didn’t have the awareness to be afraid.

    There were five hours left until it would be nine o’clock. To try and sleep would be wasting time needlessly, and she could no longer afford to do that. She had been given a task that she had to carry out, and God had shown her the way. She knew that Monika would show up. That she wouldn’t dare do anything else. Once again Maj-Britt felt her heart palpitating wildly as she thought about what she was about to do.
    A good deed.
    She mustn’t forget that. That it was A Good Deed and nothing more. The threatening tone she had been forced to use to make Monika obey served a higher good! The Lord Himself had shown His approval. It was the two of them now, she and the Lord together. Using fear to prevail was a mighty instrument, but she was grateful at having to subjugate herself. All power was His, and for her all that remained was to prove herself worthy, show that she finally deserved to be chosen. Then perhaps He in His great wisdom would be merciful enough to forgive her.

    For thirty years she had imagined death as a last avenue of escape. It had given her strength to know that she could always slip away if she couldn’t endure anymore. Having power over this option, she had sometimes toyed with the idea. But that was before, when death had been far out of sight and the choice was still hers.