Sole Survivor

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        Her initial silence had the cold, moon-far quality of Oliveri's. Then she said, “Are you here?”
        “Excuse me?”
        “Where are you calling from? Here in Colorado Springs?”
        “No. Los Angeles.”
        “Oh,” she said, and Joe thought he heard the faintest breath of regret when she exhaled that word.
        He said, “Ms. Christman, I have some questions about Flight 353 that I would-”
        “I'm sorry,” she interrupted. “I know you've suffered terribly, Mr. Carpenter. I can't even conceive the depth of your anguish, and I know it's often difficult for family members to accept their losses in these horrible incidents, but there's nothing I could say to you that would help you find that acceptance or-”
        “I'm not trying to learn acceptance, Ms. Christman. I'm trying to find out what really happened to that airliner.”
        “It's not unusual for people in your position to take refuge in conspiracy theories, Mr. Carpenter, because otherwise the loss seems so pointless, so random and inexplicable. Some people think we're covering up for airline incompetence or that we've been bought off by the Airline Pilots' Association and that we've buried proof the flight crew was drunk or on drugs. This was just an accident, Mr. Carpenter. But if I were to spend a lot of time with you on the phone, trying to persuade you of that, I'd never convince you, and I'd be encouraging you in this denial fantasy. You have my deepest sympathy, you really do, but you need to be talking to a therapist, not to me.”
        Before Joe could reply, Barbara Christman hung up.
        He called her again. Although he waited while the phone rang forty times, she did not answer it.
        For the moment, he had accomplished all that was possible by telephone.
        Halfway back to his Honda, he stopped. He turned and studied the side of the service station again, where the exaggerated and weirdly distorted shadows of moths washed across the white stucco, like nightmare phantoms gliding through the pale mists of a dream.
        Moths to the flame. Three points of fire in three oil lamps. Tall glass chimneys.
        In memory, he saw the three flames leap higher in the chimneys. Yellow lamplight glimmered across Lisa's sombre face, and shadows swooped up the walls of the Delmanns' kitchen.
        At the time, Joe had thought only that a vagrant draft had abruptly drawn the flames higher in the lamps, though the air in the kitchen had been still. Now, in retrospect, the serpentine fire, shimmering several inches upward from the three wicks, impressed him as possessing greater importance than he previously realized.
        The incident had significance.
        He watched the moths but pondered the oil wicks, standing beside the service station but seeing around him the kitchen with its maple cabinetry and sugar-brown granite counters.
        Enlightenment did not rise in him as the flames had briefly risen in those lamps. Strive as he might, he could not identify the significance that he intuited.
        He was weary, exhausted, battered from the trauma of the day. Until he was rested, he could not trust either his senses or his hunches.
        On his back in the motel bed, head on a foam pillow, heart on a rock of hard memory, Joe ate a chocolate bar that he'd bought at the service station.
        Until the final mouthful, he could discern no flavour whatsoever. With the last bite, the taste of blood flooded his mouth, as though he had bitten his tongue.
        His tongue was not cut, however, and what plagued him was the familiar taste of guilt. Another day had ended, and he was still alive and unable to justify his survival.
        Except for the light of the moon at the open balcony door and the green numerals of the digital alarm clock, the room was dark. He stared at the ceiling light fixture, which was vaguely visible-and only visible at all because the convex disc of glass was lightly frosted with moonglow. It floated like a ghostly visitant above him.
        He thought of the luminous Chardonnay in the three glasses on the counter in the Delmanns' kitchen. No explanation there. Though Charlie might have tasted the wine before pouring it, Georgine and Lisa had never touched their glasses.
        Thoughts like agitated moths swooped and fluttered through his mind, seeking light in his darkness.
        He wished that he could talk with Beth in Virginia.