Sweet Revenge: 200 Delicious Ways to Get Your Own Back

behind the bar. The queue of burly football supporters broke up and collapsed with laughter as did his wife. The Italian for grapefruit is 'pompelmo'. He had just asked for a blow job.
     

     
    When London's most confirmed bachelor announced he was going to get married, his friends could hardly

     
    believe it. A rampant sexist, racist and homophobe, he loved his bachelor ways and prided himself that he always had a bevy of beautiful babes on his arms and in his bed. He was positively looking forward to the inevitable stripper he would get on his stag night.
    However, he had also been the instigator of some appalling behaviour at all his friends' stag parties so they decided to give him a stag party to end all stag parties and get their revenge for past deeds. Their research led them to 'one of those agencies' and the gentleman at the other end of the telephone was most helpful, asking after his particular preferences and peccadilloes.
    'I've got just the person for you: black; ugly as sin; arrives, undresses the "victim", ties him to the table in front of everyone; administers a perfect "Hugh Grant special" and then does a slow striptease. If you blindfold your friend before the grand entrance, he'll get a lovely surprise afterwards.'
    'Sounds perfect,' said the lads. 'How much does she charge?'
    The reply was more than they could ever have wished for: 'Oh, don't worry, he won't charge a thing.
     

     
    Phillip Seldon does not know whether anyone has actually used this revenge, but it has proved a highly popular discussion point with the ladies during his courses. (Phillip runs courses in Manhattan entitled: 'How to Get Even without Breaking the Law', in which he teaches people how to use totally legal and socially acceptable methods of revenge, such as the media, bankruptcy court or even jail. The three-hour course costs $39 - details from Seldon on 001 212 570 6500!)
    First, hire a prostitute to pick up your ex-man – any bar or meeting place will do; just make it look casual. She has been briefed to seduce him and, of course, get him to take off his clothes. Then, when he is naked, relaxed and beginning to enjoy himself, she will point at his 'member' and roar with laughter at how small it is, how bent it is, how thin it is, or whatever his particular hang-up may be.
     

     
    A man came home early and caught his wife in the act with another man. He led him down to the garden shed, still naked, and took him to the work bench where he put his penis in a vice. He reached for the saw.
    'You're, you're not going to...?' stammered the interrupted Lothario.
    'No, but you are!' laughed the cuckold as he set fire to the garden shed.
    - with thanks to Jethro, the famous Cornish comedian.
     

     
    A woman planned her revenge on her boyfriend and his best mate very carefully. She arranged to meet them in a bar one Saturday night with the objective of 'getting ripped'. They had an endless succession of Tequila Slammers but the boys did not realise she had a prior arrangement with the barman and that the colourless liquid in her glass was, in fact, water. By the time they left they were completely brainless and they weaved their way back to her place for a nightcap, after which both chaps collapsed in a stupor.
    She managed to drag both of the passed-out forms to her big double bed. She stripped them both naked, put them into bed together and scrubbed their private parts, front and back, with a toothbrush until they were red and raw. Then she made herself scarce. The boys woke the next morning, badly hungover, naked in bed with

     
    each other and with very sore parts. She left it to them to work out what had happened.

     
    Piers Adam is a man with a successful chain of restaurants and a well-developed sense of humour. One of his best friends is top photographer Bob Carlos Clarke and the two of them are always playing tricks on each other. Sometimes these get a little out of hand.
    The first Piers knew about it was when he received a letter on the letterhead of a well-known private hospital saying:
     
Dear Mr Adams,
Miss Emily Oppenheimer has asked us to contact you directly having recently visited our outpatients department for tests.
Unfortunately these tests have proved positive and Miss Oppenheimer is concerned that you have transmitted the infection to her as you have been her only sexual partner. It is most important that you should submit yourself for testing without delay. In the meantime you should not engage