Sweet Revenge: 200 Delicious Ways to Get Your Own Back

earning a living. For twenty-five years he thought the pleasure was mine. He was mistaken.
 
To my daugher I leave $100,000. She will need it. The only piece of business her husband ever did was to marry her.
 
To my Valet I leave the clothes he has been stealing from me for ten years. Also the fur coat he wore last summer when I was in Palm Beach.
 
To my Chauffeur I leave my cars. He almost ruined them and I want him to have the satisfaction of finishing the job.
 
To my Partner I leave the suggestion that he take some clever man in with him at once if he expects to do any business.'
     
    I am now going back to my deck chair. To forget wrong is the best revenge.
     
    Derek Nimmo
    August 1995
     

Love and Disharmony

     
    'If you want to get revenge on a man, marry him!'
    Basia Briggs, 1995
     

Love and Disharmony
     
    Lord Gillford cannot reveal the identity of the young couple who announced their engagement. Sadly, the groom-to-be discovered, quite by accident, that his fiancée was having an affair with the best man. The groom decided to say nothing and he acted quite normally throughout all the preparations until the wedding day.
    The service went off without a hitch and the reception was a delight. At last, it was time for the speeches. The groom stood up and gave a marvellous speech, and made all the traditional thank yous for the flowers, the organist, the bridesmaids... and finally, in front of all the guests, he thanked his best man 'who has been screwing my wife for the last few weeks'. While guests stood watching in stunned horror,, he scrumpled his speech notes and walked off. The marriage was never consummated so was, therefore, null and void, yet he had the satisfaction of knowing that it cost the bride's family at least £15,000.
     

     
    Sign seen on a newsagent's bulletin board:
    For Sale: set of Golf Clubs, reasonable condition, £90 o.n.o.
If a male voice answers the telephone, please hang up!
     

     
    A sexy love letter found in her boyfriend's pocket prompted a young lady to empty his Chanel aftershave and replace it with kettle descaling fluid. For good measure she also poured oven cleaner into his handmade shoes and covered his suits and silk underwear in black coffee.
     

     
    It was the same thing every night - Mrs Filsbois would watch with resignation while her husband flirted outrageously with every female under the age of sixty-five. Everybody in every bar and nightclub in the pretty Alpine resort of Zermatt knew the score.
    One evening she had had enough and snuck home early. Knowing he would arrive back later, very tired and very drunk, she calmly crushed a bag of crisps into his side of the bed, climbed into her side, and went to sleep. He had the most uncomfortable night of his life.
    He told his wife that he was going on a business trip for a long weekend and, instead, he took his lovely mistress to a stunning hotel. He told her he would leave his wife for her and they shared a glorious weekend, at the end of which he unceremoniously dumped her. All she had to remember it by was some hotel soap, a few sheets of the hotel letterhead and a broken heart.
    A few days later she posted some lacy underwear and an empty contraceptive packet to her ex-lover's wife, with a letter typed on the hotel's writing paper which read: 'Dear Madam, Following your stay here we found the enclosed items in your bedroom and we return them herewith.'
    - Tatler magazine's social editor, the glamorous Ewa Lewis, was far too discreet to reveal the identity of the well-heeled lady who wrought this revenge.

     

     
    Jilted father of two, Mike Owen, took bitter revenge on his cheating wife. He nailed a giant sign painted with the words 'Adulterous Wife' above the 'For Sale' board outside the house he shared with his pretty wife Jane after she had an affair with Ian, the builder who was working on their extension. He also amended his outgoing answerphone message to say, 'Sorry. I cannot speak to you right now. I have got my hands around my adulterous wife's throat. If you would like to leave your name and number after the tone I will return your call as soon as she stops breathing.'
     

     
    Some years ago in New York a woman hit the headlines when she shot her lover because he had announced he was going to marry someone else. The shot did not kill him and he was rushed to hospital. The revenge shooting completely backfired because, when they were removing the bullet, the doctors discovered a tumour in