The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

Maurice. 'They have to gnaw all the time to wear their teeth down, so they might as well be making cuckoo clocks. And the clockmakers will be doing well, too,'
    'Why?' said Hopwick the clockmaker.
    'Tiny little paws, very good with little springs and things,' said Maurice. 'And then-'
    'Would they just do cuckoo clocks, or could they do other stuff?' said Hauptmann.
    '-and then there's the whole tourism aspect,' said Maurice. 'For example, the Rat Clock. You know that clock they've got in Bonk? In the town square? Little figures come out every quarter of an hour and bang the bells? Cling bong bang, bing clong bong? Very popular, you can get postcards and everything. Big attraction. People come a long way just to stand there waiting for it. Well, the lucky town will have rats striking the bells!'
    'So what you're saying,' said the clockmaker, 'is that if we that is, if the lucky town had a special big clock, and rats, people might come to see it?'
    'And stand around waiting for up to a quarter of an hour,' said someone.
    'A perfect time to buy hand-crafted models of the clock,' said the clockmaker.
    People began to think about this.
    'Mugs with rats on,' said a potter.
    'Hand-gnawed souvenir wooden cups and plates,' said Hauptmann.
    'Cuddly toy rats!'
    'Rats-on-a-stick!'
    Darktan took a deep breath. Maurice said, quickly, 'Good idea. Made of toffee, naturally.' He glanced towards Keith. 'And I expect the town would want to employ its very own rat piper, even. You know. For ceremonial purposes. "Have your picture drawn with the Official Rat Piper and his Rats", sort of thing.'
    'Any chance of a small theatre?' said a little voice.
    Darktan spun around. 'Sardines!' he said.
    'Well, guv, I thought if everyone was getting in on the act-' Sardines protested.
    'Maurice, we ought to talk about this,' said Dangerous Beans, tugging at the cat's leg.
    'Excuse me a moment,' said Maurice, giving the mayor a quick grin, 'I need to consult with my clients. Of course,' he added, 'I'm talking about the lucky town. Which won't be this one because, of course, when my clients move out some new rats will move in. There are always more rats. And they won't talk, and they won't have rules, and they'll widdle in the cream and you'll have to find some new rat-catchers, ones you can trust, and you won't have as much money because everyone will be going to the other town. Just a thought.'
    He marched down the table and turned to the rats.
    'I was doing so well!' he said. 'You could be on ten per cent, you know? Your faces on mugs, everything!'
    'And is this what we fought for all night?' spat Darktan. 'To be pets ?'
    'Maurice, this isn't right,' said Dangerous Beans. 'Surely it is better to appeal to the common bond between intelligent species than-'
    'I don't know about intelligent species. We're dealing with humans here,' said Maurice. 'Do you know about wars? Very popular with humans. They fight other humans. Not hugely big on common bonding.'
    'Yes, but we are not-'
    'Now listen,' said Maurice. 'Ten minutes ago these people thought you were pests. Now they think you're… useful. Who knows what I can have them thinking in half an hour?'
    'You want us to work for them?' said Darktan. 'We've won our place here!'
    'You'll be working for yourself ,' said Maurice. 'Look, these people aren't philosophers. They're just… everyday. They don't understand about the tunnels. This is a market town. You've got to approach them the right way. Anyway, you will keep other rats away, and you won't go around widdling in the jam, so you might as well get thanked for it.' He tried again. 'There's going to be a lot of shouting, right, yeah. And then sooner or later you have to talk.' He saw the bewilderment still glazing their eyes, and turned to Sardines in desperation. 'Help me,' he said.
    'He's right, boss. You've got to give 'em a show,' said Sardines, dancing a few steps nervously.
    'They'll laugh at us!' said Darktan.
    'Better laugh than scream, boss. It's a start. You gotta dance, boss. You can think and you can fight, but the world's always movin', and if you wanna stay ahead you gotta dance.' He raised his hat and twirled his cane. On the other side of the room, a couple of humans saw him and chuckled. 'See?' he said.
    'I'd hoped there was an island somewhere,' said Dangerous Beans. 'A place where rats could really be rats.'
    'And we've seen where that leads,' said Darktan. 'And, you know, I don't think there're any wonderful islands in the distance