The Between Years

when he did that. But I needed a diversion, so he could never witness what power he held over me. I closed my eyes and dreamt of the worst things. A bed of nails or a walk over hot coals sounded sufficiently awful. Anything to keep myself from enjoying it!

    When his tongue stopped flicking, I felt relieved. He then spread my legs and readied himself to burrow inside of me. I reached far enough for the nightstand to open the drawer, but my muscles burned from the stretch. I patted around a few time, and lunged far enough to grab some stray condoms, but Randy grabbed my wrist and I dropped them.

    “ We don't need any of those,” he said. “We can do this nice and naturally.”

    “ But I really think we should-”

    Randy pressed his index finger over his lips to shush me.

    Then he slid into me, inch by slow inch, and soon the headboard smacked the wall and the mattress springs creaked. Before long, he ran short of breath, pounded harder and faster, his face contorted, and I did everything I could to shove him off me.

    When the muscles in his upper body strained and bulged, I knew that I could never wiggle free, so I freed my right hand, and use what power I had to slug him in the face. The first one landed on his chin and barely fazed him, so I delivered three more punches until he dismounted me and staggered into the corner to nurse his jaw.

    I had run out of breath and was unsure if I had the energy to finish what I'd started. So I summoned all of my energy to stand up, stare deep into his eyes, and dare him to try and do that again.

    “ What the fuck do you think you're doing?” he huffed. His dick was already wilting.

    “ I'm not doing to do this your way, you understand me? And you're never going to take advantage of me again!”

    “ Everything was nice and happy until you had to get violent . . . .”

    “ No, everything was nice and happy until you had to steal my birth control pills. Did you really have to snoop around on me?”

    “ Carol, honey, you don't understand.”

    “ Oh, I think I do,” I said. “And I don't need to worry about birth control pills anymore because that's the last time I let you anywhere near me.”

    And at that, Randy gathered up his clothes and stormed out of the room, stark naked. He only returned to pack up some smaller items like toothpaste, razors, shaving cream, and deodorant and stuffed them into a duffel bag. He almost packed too fast to tell me that he was leaving. But did he really have a place to go? I doubted it, and figured he would return to me after a week of staying at the Motel 6.

    And maybe those thoughts crossed his mind too, but it didn't stop him from storming out the door and peeling out of our driveway. As it turns out, he moved into his grandparents' house by the next morning. So, like a cat, he'd managed to land on his feet, but I wondered how long that arrangement would last. Given the end result, I would have preferred that he have stayed at the Motel 6 since we would technically both be paying for it anyway.

    I don't know what that week apart was like for Randy, but it quickly became excruciating for me. Though we'd only been married a few years, I'd grown so used to waking up next to Randy that the void he'd left on his side of the bed seemed gargantuan. I only stayed pissed at him for a day or so and the emptiness didn't take long to set in.

    And then there was the silence! I remembered how poignant the house's silence had been after Kenny died, and how much it intensified the pain that Randy and I were suffering. That silence returned with a vengeance. At the breakfast table, I needed to switch the radio on because I wasn't used to eating alone. Our morning conversations prefaced our day and I felt like I couldn't function without it. The same went for dinner, like an epilogue. At night, I switched the television on so I wouldn't feel alone, but the perpetual silence I experienced when I turned it off depressed me enough that I broke down in tears.

    By slugging Randy in the face, I'd successfully regained the power I'd lost (for the time being, anyway), but that had come at a price. Randy's Dad had been very sweet and non-judgmental when I phoned. I could hear the tender, understanding tone in his voice as he recited the number at Randy's grandparents' house to me. I phoned the house, and gave Randy the chance to come home and make peace with me, but he chose to hang up on me and ignore my calls after. We each must make our own