The Dinosaur Feather

had begged for his forgiveness and sent him several e-mails. I had heard nothing from him.
    ‘He was very scared when I got inside his flat. I’m much bigger than he is, that’s what made it so perfect between us. I got aroused. There was something in his eyes, I caught a glimpse of something in his eyes. He wants me to, I thought. He wants to be dominated, controlled, humiliated; at that moment everything became clear. He had tricked me, tricked me good.’ Troels’s eyes shone now.
    Anna carefully slipped her hand inside her pocket and shivered, as though she was cold.
    ‘I closed the door behind me and unzipped my jeans. It was what he wanted. I felt so sure. He walked backwards, just as he was supposed to. I held my dick, I rubbed it, while I ordered him to take off his clothes and told him to suck me off. He was good at acting scared, he got it just right. He resisted. I called him lots of names . . . and suddenly I came. All over my hand and the floor. I buckled, consumed by a deep urge to hug him, just snuggle up. I closed my eyes for a second and when I looked at him again, he was armed. I don’t know where he got it from, but he was holding a knife. His eyes grew black. I said something, I raised my hands. “You mustn’t threaten me,” I said. I wanted him to calm down, but he attacked me. Waved the knife in the air, stabbing at me. I tried to warn him, told him to put down the knife, to stop. His tenderness was gone, as was the fragility, which I loved him for. His voice had changed, too. It was dark and strange. He wouldn’t stop. He came closer to me wielding the knife and ordered me to leave. He screamed in a high-pitched voice, I felt drops of spit on my cheek.’ Troels glanced at Anna.
    ‘This time I didn’t run. I wanted him to shut up. He had to shut up.’ Troels fell silent.
    Anna got hold of one of the cable ties in her pocket and curled it up so it lay like a coiled snake in her hand. She pretended she wanted to change position and leaned forward. Her heart was hammering.
    ‘Afterwards I visited Jens,’ Troels said, casually. ‘I don’t know how I got there, but suddenly I found myself in front of his building, without my jacket, my trousers soaked. All I could think was that I was about to be arrested. I wanted to talk to Jens first. Just talk to him. So we talked. For hours. I calmed down a little; I thought it possible that Johannes mightn’t have been seriously hurt. Did I even hit him? I started to have doubts. Jens poured me a whisky, he lent me some clothes. You’ve got great parents, Anna.’
    Anna nodded.
    ‘They’re very fond of you, too,’ she said, kindly.
    ‘I’m leaving soon and I won’t be coming back. I don’t want to go to jail.’ He laughed a brittle laugh. ‘I’ve been in prison all my life.’
    ‘Why did you text me?’ Anna wanted to know.
    ‘Do you know what a big thing it was to me that we had fallen out? Massive. I didn’t want to leave without seeing you first. I wanted to unburden myself, tell you that I didn’t mean to do it. Not then, not now. I don’t think you’ll betray me again,’ he said. ‘I don’t think that you’ll get up now and betray me again.’ He smiled a crooked smile. ‘I think you’ve changed. Your little girl. I must meet her some time.’
    ‘I knew you did it.’
    ‘Yes, I’m impressed.’ He smiled again. ‘I thought it would take you longer. What did I write?’
    ‘That you were trying to tell me something,’ Anna replied.‘It was the way you phrased it. But that’s not why. It was when you mentioned Johannes by name. When we met last Friday. You knew his name. You pretended that Karen had told you.’ Anna turned to Troels and her eyes glowed yellow. ‘But Karen didn’t know his name. So how could you? Suddenly, it all made sense. You waiting for me, you turning up everywhere. Karen met you, Jens met you, and so did Cecilie, apparently. And Johannes’s stalker . . . At first I thought it was a girl, but when the police told me they were looking for a man . . . YourGuy. That was one coincidence too many.’
    Troels gave Anna a rather drowsy look.
    ‘Did he really say that?’ he said, dully. ‘That I was stalking him?’
    Anna leaned towards her friend.
    ‘And you’re right. I won’t betray you again,’ she said, softly into his ear. Troels turned to face her. His eyes were shiny.
    ‘I’m sorry about Johannes,’ he whispered. ‘I love him. I hope he gets better. I hope he’s not too