The Dinosaur Feather

hesitated.
    ‘He wanted me to . . . humiliate him. Sexually, but without us touching. I was allowed to hit him and to verbally abuse him, but I must never touch his dick. He got off on being humiliated. He had tried it with women, but it wasn’t really working for him. So that’s what we did that night. I’ve tried something like that before, but never anything that real. I lived in the US for years and I was a part of that scene, going to S&M clubs, I’ve been the dominant one in all my relationships, the aggressor. But with Johannes it was . . . so hot. Because it was new for him. Because I was the first.’ He glanced shyly at Anna who was sitting very still, staring at the sperm whale on the wall. The noisy children had gone and a family of four had arrived. The father lifted up the younger boy.
    ‘I hit him, and . . . no, it doesn’t matter. He masturbated until he climaxed. Obviously I wanted to touch him, but every time I tried, he turned away. He didn’t want me. In the end, I was deeply frustrated. I wanted to have sex with him. I tried, but the magic disappeared. Johannes got upset, went into another room and told me he was disappointed in me. That it wasn’t what we had agreed. I apologised, but it was no good. He just wanted me to leave. Get out, get out,he whispered. Very quietly, as if I had failed him. So I left. In the days that followed I was beside myself. He was all I could think about. I e-mailed him, but he never replied. On the goth scene I’m known as YourGuy.’ Troels peered at Anna. ‘Most people on the scene have aliases. It’s part of the game. It suited me just fine. Copenhagen is a very small town. And I’ve just come back from abroad and, to be honest, I’m scared shitless of ending up on the front page of the tabloids. “Supermodel into S&M” or something like that. I’m actually quite famous in the US,’ he added, ‘but getting work back here, when I returned last spring, proved to be really tough. But finally I was about to land a huge campaign, a really well-paid one, so I preferred going to places where no one cared who I really was. Anyway, Johannes never replied, and I was getting desperate. Then we bumped into each other, accidentally, in a café. He seemed pleased to see me. As though he had forgotten what had gone wrong during our last meeting. He had been busy, that was all. We agreed to meet again, the next day.
    ‘That night I realised that the two of you knew each other. He had mentioned you several times that first evening. Anna, my colleague, Anna, the woman I share a study with, without me making the connection. But when we met again, he referred to you as “Anna Bella” and it clicked that it had to be you. I knew where you lived and I had meant to get in touch ever since I moved to Copenhagen. Only I was so ashamed. Ashamed that I had done a runner back then. Your parents . . .’ Troels shook his head. ‘I heard from them for years. They had my address in New York and they wrote faithfully to me every Christmas and on my birthday. Yourmum even sent me an advent calendar one year. They urged me to get in touch if ever I came back to Denmark.’ He laughed bitterly. ‘And I never replied. When I moved to Copenhagen, I thought it would be easier to get hold of Karen first. I missed you the most, but . . . Christ, how you freaked out at me that night.’ For a moment, he looked at her with tenderness.
    ‘So much that you were afraid you might beat me up?’ Anna asked. She felt her anger rise through her shock. It wiped the smile off Troels’s face.
    ‘I don’t know why you had to humiliate me,’ he said. ‘You were just as bad as my dad that night. You kicked me, Anna. You hit me and you screamed. And group sex was a seriously crap idea. Whose was it?’
    ‘Yours and Karen,’ Anna snapped. ‘You and Karen got the idea, and . . .’ and the words spilled out of her. ‘You were always trying to shut me out. You became Karen’s best friend just to hurt me. And it was the same that night. I might as well not have been there. And my parents favoured you. Poor Troels, he’s such a nice kid, we’ll take good care of lovely, little Troels,’ she mimicked. Troels stared at Anna in amazement.
    ‘Anna,’ he said softly. ‘I’ve always loved you more. Karen is my friend, she’s straightforward and uncomplicated. She always was. You had everything I wanted. I worshipped you and I loved your parents. I wanted to live with you, always, be