The Dinosaur Feather

with you always. But there were times I thought you hated me. That night, I thought you hated me. And I couldn’t cope with any more hatred. I wanted to shut you up, and that’s why I ran. The week before I had knocked out all my dad’s teeth, for fuck’s sake. With a plank of wood. He told everyonehe had forgotten to wear his seatbelt and had had to brake hard. But it was me. He shut me in the basement and said the most awful things to me, provoked me, baited me, called me queer. Finally, I ripped a shelf off the wall and bashed him across the face with it. I couldn’t take being hated any more, do you understand? And I was scared of how I might react that night. Really terrified. I’ve thought about it hundreds of times since. How jealous you must have been. You were an only child and always landed on your feet, always, born with a fucking silver spoon in your mouth, and then I come along like the serpent in paradise. By the way, I never understood what your parents saw in me. Since they already had you,’ he added. ‘But . . .’ He fell silent.
    ‘You know nothing about me,’ Anna said, quietly. Troels stared ahead with a blank expression, as if he hadn’t heard her.
    ‘During that evening I realised that Johannes was in love with you. He talked about you all the time. Not directly . . . but he would mention your name, no matter what the conversation was about. I would ask questions, from time to time, as though you interested me and he answered them willingly. Very quickly I knew most of it: you had been dumped by your boyfriend, Thomas, who never visited your young daughter, never sent Christmas presents and only paid basic child support – even though he was a doctor and you were a student – that you struggled with your rage, that you felt completely powerless, that you were about to get your MSc, that Cecilie had moved to Copenhagen, and that your relationship with her was strained. Johannes never found my questions odd – he was that keen to talk about you. His eyeslit up. It was bizarre. I was madly in love with him and he was madly in love with you.’ Troels smiled. ‘Seems to be my curse. You get everything I want.
    ‘That night,’ he continued, ‘I crossed the line. Johannes wanted a repeat of last time. Wanted me to abuse him verbally, humiliate him and slap him. Mostly on his body, but also across his head. He masturbated while I did it, but flinched whenever I tried to touch him. I could do the same, he said. Get my dick out and have a wank. I didn’t want to. I was delirious, a bit drunk and in love. And I was the stronger, I was in charge. I managed to enter him. I held him down. For fuck’s sake, I only lasted five seconds. I came inside him, and he went berserk. He cried, he screamed and threw me out. On the fetish scene this is a total no-no,’ Troels muttered, ashamed. ‘You go right up to the line, but you never cross it without the other person’s consent. Johannes said stop many times that night, but I didn’t listen.
    ‘The days that followed were terrible. I called him. I e-mailed. He didn’t reply. It took a week before I got hold of him. He sounded really pissed off with me. I had crossed the line, he said. It was unacceptable. The rules had been crystal clear. We were experimenting with the balance of power, but there was to be no direct sexual contact. I had agreed to that. I had broken our deal. He never wanted to see me again.
    ‘Some weeks passed. I met with Karen, twice. I told her I was in love, but that it wasn’t reciprocated. She consoled me.’ Troels smiled. ‘And we talked about you. I asked her if she thought we might be friends again. You and I. The three of us. Asked her how you were. She became a little subdued. Then she told me the two of you hadn’t kept in touch, either.That really surprised me. But she had met Cecilie and Cecilie had told her that you were alone with your daughter. You had had a rough time, Cecilie said, but she made no effort to conceal that she and Jens were enormously relieved that Thomas was out of your lives. They never liked him. He was highly intelligent, but shallow. That’s how Cecilie had put it. They worried about you, Karen said, and they helped look after your daughter, Lily. I would like to meet her some day,’ he smiled.
    ‘Karen suggested that we got in touch with you, but Cecilie asked us to wait until you had defended your dissertation, so we agreed to meet up afterwards. Karen was wildly excited