The Last Letter from Your Lover

all the time. I know I won’t be able to stop thinking about that .’ She gestured towards the cloakroom. ‘But the thought of actually leaving,’ she sniffed, ‘it’s like looking into an abyss.’
    ‘An abyss?’
    She blew her nose. ‘Loving you would come at such a cost. My parents would disown me. I’d have nothing to bring with me. And I can’t do anything, Anthony. I’m no good for anything but living as I do. What if I couldn’t even run your house for you?’
    ‘You think I care about that?’
    ‘You would. Eventually. A spoilt little tai-tai . That was what you first thought of me, and you were right. I can make men love me, but I can’t do anything else.’
    Her bottom lip was trembling. He wished, furious with himself, that he had never used that word against her. They sat in silence, watching Felipe play, both locked in thought.
    ‘I’ve been offered a job,’ he said eventually. ‘In New York, reporting the United Nations.’
    She turned to him. ‘You’re leaving?’
    ‘Listen to me. For years I’ve been a mess. When I was in Africa I fell apart. When I was at home, I couldn’t wait to get back there. I could never settle, could never escape the feeling that I should be somewhere else, doing something else.’ He took her hand. ‘And then I met you. Suddenly I can see a future. I can see the point of staying still, of building a life in one place. Working at the UN would be fine. I just want to be with you.’
    ‘ I can’t. You don’t understand.’
    ‘What?’
    ‘I’m afraid.’
    ‘Of what he’d do?’ Rage built within him. ‘You think I’m frightened of him? You think I couldn’t protect you?’
    ‘No. Not of him. Please lower your voice.’
    ‘Of those ridiculous people you hang around with? You really care about their opinions? They’re empty, stupid people with—’
    ‘Stop it! It’s not them!’
    ‘What, then? What are you afraid of?’
    ‘I’m afraid of you.’
    He battled to understand. ‘But I wouldn’t—’
    ‘I’m afraid of what I feel for you. I’m afraid to love somebody this much.’ Her voice broke. She folded her cocktail napkin, twisting it between her slim fingers. ‘I love him, but not like this. I’ve been fond of him and I’ve despised him, and much of the time we exist reasonably well together and I’ve made my accommodations and I know I can live like this. Do you understand? I know I can live like this for the rest of my life and it won’t be so bad. Plenty of women have worse.’
    ‘And with me?’
    She didn’t answer for so long that he almost repeated the question. ‘If I let myself love you it would consume me. There would be nothing but you. I would be constantly afraid that you might change your mind. And then, if you did, I would die.’
    He took her hands, raised them to his lips, ignoring her whispered protests. He kissed her fingertips. He wanted to take her whole self into him. He wanted to wrap himself around her and never let her go. ‘I love you, Jennifer,’ he said. ‘I will never stop loving you. I have never loved anyone before you and there will never be anyone after you.’
    ‘You say that now,’ she said.
    ‘Because it’s true.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t know what else you want me to say.’
    ‘Nothing. You’ve said everything. I have them all on paper, your beautiful words.’ She pulled her hand from his, and reached for her martini. When she spoke again it was as if she was talking to herself. ‘But that doesn’t make it any easier.’
    She had withdrawn her leg from his. He felt its absence like a pain. ‘What are you saying?’ He fought to keep his voice under control. ‘You love me, but there’s no hope for us?’
    Her face crumpled a little. ‘Anthony, I think we both know . . .’ She didn’t finish.
    She didn’t need to.

Arthur James is no longer listed as ‘in a relationship’.
    Male to Female, via Facebook update – name changed

10
    She had watched Mrs Stirling disappear from the office party and Mr Stirling grow increasingly agitated until he had slammed down his tumbler and strode out into the hallway after them. Almost vibrating with excitement, she had wanted to follow, to see what was happening, but Moira Parker had enough self-control to stay where she was. No one else seemed to notice he had gone.
    Finally he walked back into the party. She watched him over the rise and fall of people’s heads, utterly marooned. His face betrayed little emotion, yet