The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

had put on yellow latex gloves, basically because I didn’t want to handle the salami. No other reason.
    We had one half hour of pure meat cavorting. Meat handling. Working with meat. Meat cuddling. Meat shenanigans.
    Q: We could call this chapter “Meating the Fans.”
    A: I was also thinking of “Meat and Greet.”
    Q: That’s good. So go on.
    A: We documented this in all sorts of ways. Pencil sketches, photography, videotape, whatever way we could capture this great moment in art history. At this point, I didn’t think it was very sexual. It was more of a living meat sculpture. What happened next was the result of me always trying to escalate everything to the next level. I asked Twiggy and Pogo to scotch tape their penises together to see if she could put two penises in her mouth at the same time. But it turned out that they couldn’t stand next to each other to create that, so they had to face their dicks front to front, and it became like a penis tug-of-war. She sort of licked it like some sort of dick harmonica. Some giant dick harmonica. That’s when all the trouble started to break out. Because that was when we decided that Pogo should get to live out his fantasy and have sex with the deaf girl.
    So, he put on a condom…
    Q: Hold on. How did he separate himself from Twiggy?
    A: She gnawed through the tape like a rat looking for a piece of cheese. And then Pogo put this condom on, which made his dick look like a chitlin. And he started to fuck her from behind, which was appropriate because she had a dog leash on at the time and he was holding the leash. So, he’s shouting all these obscenities at her…
    I should mention that I do not feel that she was being exploited by any means because, despite however many cameras, street musicians, and sketch artists were in the room clapping and dancing around to Slayer or whatever was playing at the time, she was very excited to be a part of it. I think she, too, found it to be art and was having a good time. Everybody was having a good time—except for the guys in Nine Inch Nails, who were keeping their distance.
    While all this was happening, Pogo said something, and we might not want to mention it because it’s pretty offensive.
    Q: Go ahead. We can always take it out of the book later if we want.
    A: He shouted, “I’m going to come in your useless ear canal,” and it seemed to echo through the room as maybe one of the darkest things we had ever heard. At that point, I felt that what I did with the baby Jesuses paled in comparision.
    Then what happened was that Alyssa wanted to take a shower because she was covered in meat slime and assorted body fluids from the act of filth. So, since she was going in the shower anyways, I asked, “Can we urinate on you?” What she said next was probably darker and more profound than what Pogo had said. She said, “Just not on my boots.” And we all looked at each other, like how you just looked at me: “Wow.” At least she had some sort of morals. And then, adding icing to the cake—or dressing to the meat, in this case—she told us, “And don’t get it in my eyes. It burns.” Obviously she had experience in these matters.
    So she got into the shower stall, and the camera crew watched while Twiggy and I put one leg on the stall and one leg on the toilet and hosed her down with urine. She just kind of sat there delighted and splashing her breasts as pieces of meat flaked away from the pressure of the urine.
    Then what happened was that Twiggy’s aim went in the wrong course and hit her in the face, and that was when everyone else in the room completely shut down and realized things had gone too far.

    Sean Beavan said something that completely captured the moment. We kept repeating it all the time on tour afterwards. But I can’t remember what it was right now. Maybe Twiggy knows.
    [Picks up phone, dials, waits.]
    He’s not there. It’ll come back to me.
    Now, as the urine was dripping off her chin, the Sexual Janitor [Daisy Berkowitz] came in and went, “What’s going on? What are you doing?”
    And we were like, “Alyssa is taking a shower.” We didn’t feel the duty to tell him everything that had gone on before because he was the Sexual Janitor and we thought it would be amusing. So, we were like, “Alyssa is in the shower and would like you to get in with her.”
    I think