The Merchant of Menace

didn’t quibble. “Okay, we’re curious, but what’s more important, we actually know most of the neighbors. She doesn’t seem to be really chummy with much of anyone because she’s gone so much of the time. It wouldn’t be too surprising if she didn’t recall the dirty details years later about someone she never even met or heard of before.”
    They’d reached Jane’s house. “Paul is taking the kids to a fast-food dinner and a movie tonight,“ Shelley said. “I don’t have to fix dinner. Can you fling some edibles at your kids and we could go eat together?“
    “My kids are stuffed to the gills with leftover cookies. They probably won’t even consider food for hours. It’s not quite five yet. Let’s go now. I’ll make sure of where they are and what they’re doing and be over in a minute.”
    Jane went in the kitchen door and was heading upstairs to refresh her makeup when Katie called down the steps, “Hey, Mom, did you see the boxes?“
    “What boxes?“ Jane turned and looked toward the front door. Three or four battered cardboard cartons were piled up. “Oh, that must be the stuff from your grandparents. They’ve been fretting about them not arriving in time.“
    “Can we open them?”
    Jane continued up the steps. “Sure. They always wrap the individual gifts inside the big boxes. Put the gifts under the tree. And no peeking or shaking.“
    “You’re not going to lecture me again about that little china tea set I broke when I was a little kid, are you?“
    “Any second now. You guys aren’t hungry yet, are you?”
    Katie blew up her cheeks and shook her head. “Food—yuck!“
    “Then I’m going to go out with Mrs. Nowack. How about I bring back barbequed ribs?”
    Jane took their dinner orders and hurried to Shelley’s house. The kids had stuffed themselves with cookies, but she hadn’t had any and lunch was a long time ago. She was starving. Shelley already had her car warming up in the driveway.
    “Since we still look fairly decent, let’s go someplace kind of nice,“ Shelley suggested.
    There was a new French restaurant a couple miles away they’d been wanting to try, but hadn’t pulled themselves together and put on panty hose and heels to give it a shot yet. Once again, they were almost the only customers because they were so early. A very handsome young waiter in a tuxedo seated them, actually holding their chairs and flipping open generously sized blue napkins that he laid reverently on the women’s laps.
    “Wow!“ Jane whispered when he left to get their menus. “I could get used to this. Especially if all the waiters look like him.”
    He was back in a moment with the menus, which were leather-bound and enormous. He had another server with him, this one in a short white jacket. He carried a silver tray with two exquisite goblets of water. The waiter explained the specials of the day with loving purple prose and a lot of French terms Jane should have understood and didn’t.
    “What are those in English?“ she asked.
    “Translated loosely,“ he said, lowering his voice, “meat loaf and stew. But the best meat loaf or stew that you’ll ever taste.“
    “Shelley, let’s have one of each. And we could trade.“
    “Jane, we do not pass food back and forth here,“ Shelley hissed. “Your parents would have strokes if they heard you suggesting something so gauche.“
    “I could give you each a half order of both,“ the waiter suggested.
    “You’re a good man,“ Jane said. “And why don’t you just give us a wine you recommend so I won’t feel silly about ordering it?”
    That got him to crack a smile.
    When he was out of earshot, Jane leaned forward and said quietly, “These fancy plates on the table—chargers, I think they’re called?”
    “What about them?“
    “Well, nobody ever eats on them. They take them away when they serve dinner, so do they have to be washed?”
    Shelley stared at her for a long moment and said, “Have you considered psychiatric care?”
    “I just wondered. They’ve got this nice gold rim, so they couldn’t be put in a dishwasher and it seems a waste of time and effort to make people wash them by hand when nobody’s ever eaten off them.”
    Shelley rolled her eyes and said, “Wonder about Sharon Wilhite instead. She said she’d told the police everything she told us. I imagine that’s true. She must know you’re involved with Mel. He was at the party.“
    “Do you think she even noticed? Come to think of