The Other Hand

again.
    Lawrence stood behind me and put his arms around my waist.
    “It’s you who seems tense,” he said. “Is it work?”
    I leaned my head backward onto his shoulder and sighed.
    “Work was hideous,” I said. “I lasted forty minutes. I’m wondering if I should quit.”
    He sighed into the back of my neck.
    “I knew it,” he said. “I knew something like this was coming.”
    I looked out at Little Bee, lying on her back, watching the hazy sky filling in with gray.
    “Do you remember what it felt like to be her age? Or Charlie’s age? Do you remember back when you felt you could actually do something to make the world better?”
    “You’re talking to the wrong man. I work for central government, remember? Actually doing something is the mistake we’re trained to avoid.”
    “Stop it, Lawrence, I’m being serious.”
    “Did I ever think I could change the world? Is that your question?”
    “Yes.”
    “A bit, maybe. When I first joined the civil service, I suppose I was quite idealistic.”
    “When did it change?”
    “When I realized we weren’t going to change the world. Certainly not if that involved implementing any computer systems. Round about lunchtime on the first day.”
    I smiled and put my mouth close to Lawrence’s ear.
    “Well you’ve changed my world,” I said.
    Lawrence swallowed. “Yes,” he said. “Yes I suppose I have.”
    Behind us the icemaker dropped another cube. We stood for a while and looked out at Little Bee.
    “Look at her,” I said. “I’m so scared. Do you really think I can save her?”
    Lawrence shrugged. “Maybe you can. And don’t take this the wrong way, but so what? Save her and there’s a whole world of them behind her. A whole swarm of Little Bees, coming here to feed.”
    “Or to pollinate,” I said.
    “I think that’s naive,” said Lawrence.
    “I think my features editor would agree with you.”
    Lawrence massaged my shoulders and I closed my eyes.
    “What’s eating you?” said Lawrence.
    “I can’t seem to use the magazine to make a difference,” I said. “But that’s how it was conceived. It was meant to have an edge. It was never meant to be just another fashion rag.”
    “So what’s stopping you?”
    “Every time we put in something deep and meaningful, the circulation drops.”
    “So people’s lives are hard enough. You can see how they might not want to be reminded that everyone else’s lives are shit too.”
    “I suppose so. Maybe Andrew was right after all. Maybe I need to grow up and get a grown-up’s job.”
    Lawrence held me close.
    “Or maybe you should relax for a little while and just enjoy what you’ve got.”
    I looked out at the garden. The sky was darker now. It seemed the rain couldn’t be far off.
    “Little Bee has changed me, Lawrence. I can’t look at her without thinking how shallow my life is.”
    “Sarah, you’re talking absolute shit. We see the world’s problems every day on television. Don’t tell me this is the first time you’ve realized they’re real. Don’t tell me those people wouldn’tswap lives with you if they could. Their lives are fucked up. But fucking up your life too? That isn’t going to help them.”
    “Well I’m not helping them now, am I?”
    “How could you possibly do more? You cut off a finger to save that girl. And now you’re sheltering her. Food, lodging, solicitor…none of that comes cheap. You’re taking down a good salary and you’re spending it to help.”
    “Ten percent. That’s all I’m giving her. One finger in ten. Ten pounds in every hundred. Ten percent is hardly a wholehearted commitment.”
    “Reevaluate that. Ten percent is the cost of doing business. Ten percent buys you a stable world to get on with your life in. Here, safe in the West. That’s the way to think of it. If everyone gave ten percent, we wouldn’t need to give asylum.”
    “You still want me to kick her out, don’t you?”
    Lawrence spun me round to look at him. There was something in his eyes that looked almost like panic, and at that moment it troubled me for reasons I could not fathom.
    “No,” he said. “Absolutely not. You keep her and you look after her. But please, please don’t throw your own life away. I care about you too much for that. I care about us too much.”
    “Oh, I don’t know, I really don’t.” I sighed. “I miss Andrew,” I said.
    Lawrence took his hands from my waist, and took a step back.
    “Oh please,” I said. “That came