The Reunion

the television off. He wished he hadn’t come, he wished he hadn’t drunk three beers in forty minutes. He wished he hadn’t been so unpleasant to Dan, he wished he could look at Jen the same way he used to, but something about the other night just made him feel uneasy. He wished he could find himself again, because he appeared to be lost. Mid-life crisis, perhaps? Maybe he should buy a car like Dan’s. Well, not like Dan’s, of course, because he couldn’t afford that. Or have an affair? With whom? Ms Gaitskill, head of English? Miss Turner, the twenty-something French teacher? The problem he had, the problem he’d always have, was that he loved his wife, no matter what. He’d realised that back in December, in a room in a hotel not far from where he was sitting right at that moment.
    He ordered another beer. He could feel the skin on the back of his neck starting to burn. He re-angled his chair so that he was sitting with his back to the rugby match. He noticed that Dan’s bicycle was still there. He wondered where he’d gone. Beyond the buzz of the commentary and the crowd, he could hear church bells, the chugging of a tractor somewhere in the distance. His eyelids drooped.
    A shadow came over him, someone kicked his foot.
    ‘Come on then,’ Dan was standing in front of him, blocking the light. ‘Let’s go back. Don’t know about you but I could do with some of that mac and cheese Zac made last night. I think there’s still some in the fridge.’ He reached out his hand and Andrew took it. His head swam as he was hauled to his feet, his T-shirt clung to his back and belly with sweat, his mouth felt as though something had crawled in there and died. He was parched.
    ‘I’ve got to get something to drink before we head up the hill,’ he said to Dan. ‘Not beer, water I mean. And a coffee.’
    They left the bar and pushed the bikes across to the little café on the opposite side of the square, ordered expressos and glasses of water.
    ‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ Andrew said. ‘I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me these days, can’t stop rubbing people up the wrong way.’
    Dan sipped his coffee, didn’t reply.
    ‘Seriously, Dan…’
    ‘No. Don’t. There’s part of what you said… some of what you said isn’t right, exactly, but it wasn’t exactly wrong, either.’
    Andrew rubbed his eyes with his fists, blinked hard, looked up at Dan. ‘OK,’ he said.
    ‘It’s not really any of your business,’ Dan went on, his voice flat and even, devoid of emotion, ‘but since it appears to bother you so much and since… Well. Since I’d rather there not be bad blood between us, since I want for us all to be able to be in each other’s lives again, I may as well set the record straight.’
    ‘OK,’ Andrew said again.
    Dan cleared his throat and Andrew resisted the temptation to shout, ‘Just bloody get on with it!’
    ‘I am in love with her. I have been, I suppose, on and off, for a long time. Since university. I don’t see that that’s anything to be ashamed of, I don’t see that I should have to apologise to you for that. She’s been married, for God’s sake, she’s had a child. I know you’ll always see her a certain way, but it’s been a long time since she was Conor’s girlfriend.’
    Andrew said nothing, there was nothing he could say. All he knew was that those words sounded wrong coming out of Dan’s mouth.
    ‘I’m sorry it bothers you that I bought the house. I’m sorry it bothers you that Jen and I… well. Actually, there’s nothing going on with Jen and I, so I don’t really see what you have to be bothered about. There’s nothing going on right now, in any case. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that there isn’t part of me that hopes that one day there will be something between us. As for the house, Andrew, I didn’t buy it because I wanted to
be
Conor. I bought it because it means something to me, and yes, it means something to Jen, it means something to all of us. I didn’t want to let it go. Neither did you, as I recall. The difference is that I had the means to do something about it. That’s all. Is that all right with you?’ Andrew said nothing. ‘You know what, I don’t really care if it’s all right with you or not. You ready to go?’ He got to his feet and walked over to the bikes before Andrew had a chance to answer him.
    Dan set off at a gentle pace, but once the gradient started to increase, he attacked the hill like a