The Reunion

on the sofa, fingers loosely interlaced; she saw how Conor looked at Jen when she got up to get them more wine, how Jen looked at Conor when he was telling Nat a story about work. Adoration piled on top of friendship. It made Nat happy to see them like this, back to the way they used to be, the way she knew them.
    It hurt her heart a little, too, when she got back home and pushed the front door open, welcomed by darkness and silence. She sat next to the window smoking a cigarette, reminding herself that she liked the darkness and the silence. That she liked the solitude, that she wasn’t lonely, even if they thought she was. She was just about to go to bed when she noticed that the light on the answering machine was blinking, and she clicked.
    ‘Nat. You there?’ A little pause. ‘Are you screening? Don’t screen me, you know how I hate to be screened.’ It was Andrew, she could hear the laughter in his voice, she could feel the grin spreading across her face. ‘All right. You’re not there. Out living the high life. Listen, I phoned to say congratulations! Lilah told me about the short story. Can’t believe you didn’t call me. That’s amazing, Nat. It’s bloody brilliant. Can’t wait to read it. Anyway. We’re going to have a little party, in your honour. Can you do the tenth? We were thinking we’d have a barbecue at ours, get everyone round. Send us your guest list! If there are people from work you’d like to invite, or, you know, a guy maybe?’ There was a little pause and he laughed. ‘I’d better get off your answer phone now, before it runs out of tape, or whatever. Well done. You’re a clever girl, you know that? You’re amazing. Call me soon. Sleep tight.’
    She lit another cigarette and replayed the message, over and over. She listened to the warmth in his voice, she could imagine his smile as he said the words. She could see him, standing by the window in his living room as he called her, tall and broad-shouldered and straight backed, the way he always stood, like a soldier. She listened to him laugh after he mentioned her bringing a guy to the barbecue. Was she imagining it, or did that laugh sound a little hollow, a little nervy? She listened again and again. She wished she could stop feeling like this. She kept waiting for these feelings to go away. She was beginning to wonder, a little desperately, if they ever would.

Chapter Thirty-eight

    May 1996
    DAN LISTENED TO
Music for the Jilted Generation
on the way to London. He hadn’t heard it for ages but that day it felt appropriate somehow. He played ‘No Good’ over and over, louder and louder, until the woman sitting opposite on him on the train got up and moved away. Dan didn’t blame her. He was aware that he wasn’t looking his best, might even have looked vaguely threatening, sitting there in black T-shirt and jeans, bags under his eyes, five o’clock shadow, a plastic bag full of cans at his feet.
    The train was crowded and airless, it smelled of sweat and smoke. He picked up one of the tins and held it against his forehead for a moment, letting the cold transfer to his skin before pulling open the tab and taking a sip. He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, feeling the beer slip down his throat and the disapproval radiating from his travelling companions.
    He arrived at Andrew and Lilah’s just after seven. Everyone was out back, in their little garden, gathered around the barbecue. It struck Dan that perhaps he ought to have brought some food with him, rather than just the tins of beer.
    ‘Nonsense,’ Lilah said, flinging her arms around him and giving him a kiss. ‘There’s way too much food. There can never be too much booze.’ She winked at him and took his hand. ‘You look knackered, Parker. You burning the candle at both ends up there?’ Lilah was wearing a bright green halter neck, denim mini-skirt and high heels; she looked like a supermodel. Or an expensive hooker. ‘I hope you brought something for Nat, though?’ Shit. This was Natalie’s celebration, the story thing. He was supposed to bring something for Nat. He fished around in his bag and pulled out the Prodigy CD. Lilah rolled her eyes.
    ‘Oh, you are fucking useless,’ she laughed, linking her arm through his and leading him out into the garden.
    He had butterflies in his stomach, his mouth was dry. He was dreading seeing her and dying to see her. He scanned the garden and spotted Andrew and Nat, perched on the trestle table,