The Science of Discworld II

knew, and even he seemed more of a prankster than anything else. Of course, the elves could be pranksters, too, especially if a footpath ran beside a really dangerous ravine. And the glamour they used … well, here it was charming …
    â€¦ and there was the Queen, a few feet away. She didn’t flash into existence, she emerged from the scenery. A group of lines and shadows that had always been there suddenly, without actually changing, became a figure.
    She was wearing a black lace dress hung about with diamonds, so that she looked like walking night.
    She turned to Rincewind, with a smile.
    â€˜Ah, potato man,’ she said. ‘We see your wizardly friends out there. But they won’t be able to do anything. This show will go on, you know. Just as written.’
    â€˜â€¦ will go on …’ murmured Rincewind. He couldn’t move. She’d hit him with her full force. In desperation, he tried to fill his mind with potatoes.
    â€˜We know you told him a garbled version,’ said the Queen, walking around his quivering body. ‘And a lot of nonsense it was. So I appeared to him in his room and put the whole thing in his mind. So simple.’
    Roast potatoes, thought Rincewind. Sort of gold with brown edges, and maybe almost black here and there so they’re nice and crunchy …
    â€˜Can’t you hear the applause?’ said the Queen. ‘They like us. They actually like us. We’ll be in their paintings and stories from now on. You’ll never get us out of there …’
    Chips, thought Rincewind, straight from the deep fryer, with little bubbles of fat still spitting and popping … but he couldn’t stop his treacherous head from nodding.
    The Queen looked puzzled.
    â€˜Don’t you think about anything but potatoes?’ she said.
    Butter, thought Rincewind, chopped chives, melted cheese, salt …
    But he couldn’t stop the thought. It opened up inside his head, pushing away all potato-shaped fantasies. All we have to do is nothing, and we’ve won!
    â€˜What?’ said the Queen.
    Mash! Huge mounds of mash! Creamed mash!
    â€˜You’re trying to hide something, wizard!’ said the Queen, a few inches from his face. ‘What is it?’
    Potato cakes, fried potato skins, potato croquettes …
    â€¦ no, not potato croquettes, no one ever did them properly … and it was too late, the Queen was reading him like a book.
    â€˜So …’ she said. ‘You think only mysteries last? Knowledge in unbelief? Seeing is disbelieving? ’
    There was a creaking above them.
    â€˜The play’s not over, wizard,’ said the Queen. ‘But it’s going to stop right now .’
    At this point, the Librarian dropped on her head.
    Winkin the glove stitcher and Coster the apple seller discussed the play on the way home.
    â€˜The bit with the queen and the man with the asses ears was good,’ said Winkin.
    â€˜Aye, it was.’
    â€˜And the wall bit, too. When the man said “he is no crescent, and his horns are invisible within the circumference”, I nearly widdled my breeches. I like a good joke, me.’
    â€˜Aye.’
    â€˜But I didn’t understand why all those people in the fur and feathers and stuff were chased across the stage by the man in the hairy red costume, and why the fat men in the expensive seats all got up and on to the stage and why the idiot in the red dress was running around screaming about potatos, whatever they are. While Puck was speaking at the end I definitely thought I could hear a fight going on.’
    â€˜Experimental theatre,’ said Winkin.
    â€˜Good dialogue,’ said Coster.
    â€˜And you’ve got to hand it to those actors, the way they kept going,’ said Winkin.
    â€˜Yeah, and I could have sworn there was another Quene up on stage,’ said Coster, ‘and she looked like a woman. You know, the one who was trying to strangle that man babbling about potatoes.’
    â€˜A woman on stage? Don’t be daft,’ said Winkin. ‘Good play, though.’
    â€˜Yeah. I think they could cut out the chase sequence, though,’ said Coster. ‘And frankly I don’t think you could get a girdle that big.’
    â€˜Yes, it would be dreadful if special effects took over,’ said Winkin.
    Wizards, like many large men, can be quite light on their feet. Rincewind was impressed. By the sound of it, they were right