The Science of Discworld II

world now.’
    â€˜This world, madam, has about another thousand years before alllife is wiped out,’ said Ridcully.
    â€˜Then there are other worlds,’ said the Queen, lightly.
    â€˜That’s all you have to say?’
    â€˜What else is there? Worlds begin and end,’ said the Queen. ‘That is how the universe works. That is the great circle of existence.’
    â€˜The great circle of existence, madam, can eat my underwear!’ said Ridcully.
    â€˜Fine words,’ said the Queen. ‘You are good at concealing your true thoughts from me, but I can also see them in your face, nevertheless. You think you can still fight us and win. You have forgotten that there is no narrativium in this world. It does not know how stories should go. Here , the third son of a king is probably just a useless weak prince. Here , there are no heroes, only degrees of villainy. An old lady gathering wood in the forest is just an old lady and not, as in your world, almost certainly a witch. Oh, there is a belief in witches. But a witch here is merely a method of ridding society of burdensome old ladies and an inexpensive way of keeping the fire going all night. Here, gentlemen, good does not ultimately triumph at the expense of a few bruises and a non-threatening shoulder wound. Here, evil is generally defeated by a more organised kind of evil. My world, gentlemen. Not yours. Good day to you.’
    And then she was gone.
    The wizards sat down again. Outside, the carriage rattled away.
    â€˜Quite well spoken for an elf, I thought,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘Good turn of phrase.’
    â€˜And that’s it ?’ said Ridcully. ‘We can’t do anything?’
    â€˜We don’t have any magic, sir,’ said Ponder.
    â€˜But we do know everythin’ is goin’ to turn out all right, though, don’t we?’ said Ridcully. ‘We know that people get off the planet before the next big wallop, right? We saw the evidence. Right?’
    Ponder sighed.
    â€˜Yes, sir. But it might not happen. It’s like the Shell Midden people.’
    â€˜They didn’t happen?’
    â€˜Not … here, sir,’ said Ponder.
    â€˜Ah. And you’re goin’ to say “it’s because of quantum” at some point?’
    â€˜I hadn’t intended to, sir, but you’re on the right lines.’
    â€˜So … when we left them, did they pop out of existence?’
    â€˜No, sir. We did.’
    â€˜Oh. Well, so long as someone did …’ said Ridcully. ‘Any thoughts, gentlemen?’
    â€˜We could go to the pub again?’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, hopefully.
    â€˜No,’ said Ridcully. ‘This is serious.’
    â€˜So am I.’
    â€˜I don’t see what we can do,’ said the Dean. ‘The humans here needed the elves to tinker with their heads. When we stopped that, we got the Shell Midden people. When we didn’t stop it, we got people like Dee, head half full of rubbish.’
    â€˜I know someone who’d be right at home with this problem,’ said Ridcully, thoughtfully. ‘Mister Stibbons, we would be able to get back home now, wouldn’t we? Just to send a semaphore message?’
    â€˜Yes, sir, but there’s no need for that. Hex can do that directly,’ said Ponder, before he could stop himself.
    â€˜How?’ said Ridcully.
    â€˜I … er … connected him up to the semaphore just after you left, sir. Er … it was just a matter of pulleys and things. Er … I installed a little set of repeater arms on the roof of the High Energy Magic Building. Er … and employed a gargoyle to do the watching, and we needed one anyway, because the pigeons up there have really got too numerous … er …’
    â€˜So Hex can send and receive messages?’ said Ridcully.
    â€˜Yes, sir. All the time. Er …’
    â€˜But that costs a fortune! Is it coming out of your budget, man?’
    â€˜Er, no, sir, because it’s actually quite cheap, er … it’s free, actually …’ Ponder went for broke. ‘Hex worked out the codes, you see. The gargoyles up on the big tower don’t bother about where the signals are coming from, they just notice the codes, so, er, Hex started by adding the codes for the Assassins’ Guild or the Fools’ Guilds to the messages and, er, they probably didn’t notice the extra amount on their