The Secret of Ella and Micha

that,” I say quickly. “I’m sorry, Micha. I just can’t deal with this.”
    “Don’t be sorry for being real,” he says, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand.
    I force the lump in my throat down. “I’m sorry,” I say again, and then weave through the crowd and out the back door, inhaling the fresh air.
    “What’s your problem?” Lila asks as she catches up with me at the edge of my driveway. She squashes her plastic cup and tosses it into the trash can on the back porch. “I’m so confused. What just happened?”
    “I needed to get out of there before I lost it.” I don’t slow down until I’m in my room where I close the door and shut the window, locking away the world. I sigh back against the wall, breathing in the quiet.
    Lila watches me with inquisitiveness as she pulls her hair back into a bun and puts some lip gloss on. “Ethan and Micha act like you used to be someone else. Like this isn’t the real you. Want to explain?”
    “Not really.” I push away from the door and collect some pajamas from the duffel bag. “I’m going to go take a shower. Do you need anything from downstairs?”
    “Yeah, for you to tell me why those guys have you so frazzled.” She unclips her watch and tosses it into her purse that’s on the bed. “I’ve never seen you so worked up like that. You basically had an orgasm when you first saw him.”
    “I did not,” I say, embarrassed and annoyed. “And you haven’t seen me that worked up because I’m not that person anymore.”
    “Except for when you’re around him,” she insinuates. “When you were talking to him, there was something in your eyes I’ve never seen before. You were always so closed off to all the guys at parties and in school. Honestly, I thought you were a virgin. But the way you and Micha were looking at each other—you’ve had sex with him, right?”
    Pressing my lips together, I tuck my pajamas under my arm, and shake my head. “No, Micha and I’ve never slept together, just like we’ve never dated. But we’ve been friends since we were kids.”
    She sits down on the bed and unhooks her sandal. “But you’ve had sex before?”
    I squirm in my skin. “I’m going to go get ready for bed.”
    “ Whoa , wait a second.” She leaps off the bed wearing one shoe and jumps in front of the door with her hands spread out to the side. “Are you saying that you’ve never had sex? Ever .”
    I struggle for words she’ll understand. “It’s not like I haven’t because I don’t believe in premarital sex or anything. I just… Look there’s a lot you don’t know about me and sometimes I have a hard time getting close to people.”
    She’s not surprised. “Well, obviously. That’s totally been a given from day one.”
    “What do you mean?” I question. “I’ve never told anyone that before.” Not even Micha.
    “It means sometimes I can see right through you.” She sighs and counts down on her fingers. “I’ve been your roommate for eight months and all I know about you is you’re focused on school, you hate to drink, hate being around large crowds, and have never went on a date. I barely know you and being here, I’m starting to wonder if I know you at all.”
    She knows the Ella I want her to know. “Can you let me by? I’m really tired.”
    She gives me a disbelieving look, but doesn’t press. She steps aside and lets me by. Relief washes over me because I don’t want to get into it with her. Not tonight. Not ever. I never want to get into the night that changed my life. I buried my reckless identity, and I won’t dig it up again.

Chapter 4

    Micha
    “She’s already got you all hot and bothered.” Ethan sips on his soda. “Look at you. Drunk after eight months of sobriety and I don’t believe it’s a coincidence it happened on the same night she showed up.”
    I slam another shot back and wipe my lips with the back of my hand. “I’m fine man. And I can’t blame what I do on anyone else but myself. This isn’t Ella’s fault. ”
    Ethan laughs, tipping his head back, bumping it on the edge of the cupboard. “Who the hell are you trying to convince? You know just as well as every single person in the room knows that you two are each other’s problem and it’s never going to be fixed until you fuck and get it over with.”
    I punch him in the arm, harder than I planned. “Watch it. You’re walking on thin ice tonight.”
    He holds up his hands, surrendering. “Sorry, I forgot how