The Twelve Kingdoms: Shadow of the Moon

herself, Youko stopped in her tracks. She felt a hole open up in her soul.

    It was not the kind of thing she ought to be thinking about now.
    Was Rakushun okay? Youko hadn't seen any severe wounds on him, but she couldn't know for certain that he wasn't badly injured.
    Go back, a voice inside her said. She should go back and see how Rakushun was doing, and then make her escape.
    Too dangerous, another voice said. Go back and you likely won't be able to do a thing.
    You've got the jewel, a voice answered.
    That didn't mean they'd do Rakushun any good. He could already be dead. Go back and she'd be captured. Get captured and it'd all be for naught. Get captured and she'd end up dead.
    Is your life that precious to you?
    There's no reason it shouldn't be.
    You're stabbing your Good Samaritan in the back.
    He didn't necessarily help me because he's good.
    That doesn't change the reality of what he did. He gave you shelter and a place to hide.
    He had his reasons. It wasn't out of the kindness of his heart. A person like that will betray you eventually.
    So it's okay to abandon someone if their intentions aren't perfect? Do you really want to go down that road?
    That place was filled with the dead and the dying, and amongst them was someone she knew, who knew her. And she was just going to cast him aside? Shouldn't she at least lend a helping hand? If she did, there were surely some people who might make it through alive.
    Don't start glossing over reality with empty gestures, not in this country. When your number's up, that's it. Lights out.
    It's not an empty gesture. No, it's what people naturally do of their own accord. How could she forget that?
    "Even now, at this late hour, you're going on about your principles, little girl?"
    Even now, little girl. Even now!
    "Yes, yes. Do go back and finish him off."
    Youko jumped at the piercing sound of that screeching voice. The blue monkey's head appeared in the brush along the shoulder of the road. "Isn't that what you have been considering all along? Isn't it?"
    "I . . . . " Youko stared at the blue monkey. Her whole body trembled.
    "Indeed, that's what you plan to do, no? And look at you, little girl, preaching yourself up a regular old sermon and all. You! Now!"
    The monkey broke into gales of mad laughter.
    "No . . . it isn't."
    "Oh, yes, it is. That is exactly what you were thinking."
    "I would never do something like that!"
    "Yes, you would."
    "I wouldn't have. I couldn't!"
    The monkey cackled gaily. "Is that because the thought of murder frightens you, or because you wanted to murder him, but just couldn't screw up the courage?" The monkey screeched, looking at her cheerfully. "Don't you trust me? That's okay. You'll do it next time."
    "No!"
    The blue monkey laughed on, ignoring her, the shrill sound remorselessly stabbing at her ears.
    "I'm going back."
    "Even if you do, he's long dead."
    "I don't know that."
    "He's dead, I say. Go back and you'll be captured and killed. What's the point?"
    "I'm going back anyway."
    "Well. You think doing so will wash away your sins, no?"
    Youko turned on her heels, and stopped.
    "Oh, going back is good. So you go back, you look down at his dead body, you have yourself a good cry. It'd cancel out all those murderous thoughts just like that!"
    Youko stared dumbfounded at the monkey's cackling countenance. She was taking to herself. This was the sound of her own wretched voice. This was nothing other than the substance of her soul.
    "He will surely betray you. Best you take care of it before then, no?"
    "Be quiet."
    "Soldiers may be headed this way right now! That rat ratted you out for sure!"
    "Shut up!" She took hold of the hilt of the sword and swung. The leafy tips of the bushes rained to the ground.
    "Dying's good, but snuffing out his candle would be perfect. You're still so naive, little girl."
    "Enough, already!".
    "Next time, then. Next time something like this happens, you'll be sure to get the deed done."
    "Quit messing with me!" A whusk of air and more leaves dropped to the ground.
    And if she did get the deed done, then what? If only abandoning him left such a weight on her heart, how could she go on living with murder on her conscience? Did her existence by itself trump all? Did it matter what miserable depths she sank to as long as she could stay alive?
    "I'm glad I didn't kill him." She was glad she hadn't acted rashly, hadn't succumbed to temptation, and hadn't put her thoughts into action.
    The monkey laughed her to