The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

curling star-mists waver and part…
    *
    There was the theory that A’ Tuin had come from nowhere and would continue at a uniform crawl, or steady gait, into nowhere, for all time. This theory was popular among academics.
    An alternative, favoured by those of a religious persuasion, was that A’ ‘Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating, as were all the stars in the sky which were, obviously, also carried by giant turtles. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds. This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
    *
    The twin city of Ankh-Morpork, foremost of all the cities bounding the Circle Sea, was as a matter of course the home of a large number of gangs, thieves’ guilds, syndicates and similar organizations. This was one of the reasons for its wealth.
    *
    The stranger smiled widely and fumbled yet again in the pouch. This time his hand came out holding a large gold coin. It was in fact slightly larger than an 8,000-dollar Ankhian crown and the design on it was unfamiliar, but it spoke inside Hugh’s mind in a language he understood perfectly. My current owner, it said, is in need of succour and assistance; why not give it to him, so you and me can go off somewhere and enjoy ourselves?
    *
    If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he’d be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting ‘All gods are bastards’.

    Tourist, Rincewind had decided, Meant ‘idiot’.

    At about this time a hitherto unsuccessful fortune-teller living on the other side of the block chanced to glance into her scrying bowl, gave a small scream and, within the hour, had sold her jewellery, various magical accoutrements, most of her clothes and almost all her other possessions that could not be conveniently carried on the fastest horse she could buy. The fact that later on, when herhouse collapsed in flames, she herself died in a freak landslide in the Morpork Mountains, proves that Death, too, has a sense of humour.
    *
    The Patrician of Ankh-Morpork smiled, but with his mouth only.
    *
    ‘I’m sure you won’t dream of trying to escape from your obligations by fleeing the city …’
    ‘I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord.’
    ‘Indeed? Then if I were you I’d sue my face for slander.’
    *
    ‘Ah, Gorphal,’ said the Patrician pleasantly. ‘Come in. Sit down. Can I press you to a candied starfish?’
    ‘I am yours to command, master,’ said the old man calmly. ‘Save, perhaps, in the matter of preserved echinoderms.’
    *
    There are said to be some mystic rivers - one drop of which can steal a man’s life away. After its turbid passage through the twin cities the Ankh could have been one of them.
    *
    That’s what’s so stupid about the whole magic thing … You spend twenty years learning the spell that makes nude virgins appear in your bedroom, and then you’re so poisoned by quicksilver fumes and half-blind from reading old grimoires that you can’t remember what happens next.
    *
    Death, on Discworld, is a character in his own right, and throughout the series is recognizable by always speaking IN BLOCK CAPITALS .
    Death, insofar as it was possible in a face with no movable features, looked surprised. R LNCEWLND ? … W HY ARE YOU HERE ?
    ‘Urn, why not?’ said Rincewind.
    I WAS SURPRISED THAT YOU JOSTLED ME , R INCEWIND . F OR I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THEE THIS VERY NIGHT .
    ‘Oh no, not—’
    O F COURSE, WHAT’S SO BLOODY VEXING ABOUT THE WHOLE BUSINESS IS THAT I WAS EXPECTING TO MEET THEE IN P SEUDOPOLIS.
    ‘But that’s five hundred miles away!’
    Y OU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME, THE WHOLE SYSTEM’S GOT SCREWED UP AGAIN . I CAN SEE THAT .
    *
    I’ LL GET YOU YET , C ULLY , said Death, in a voice like the slamming of leaden coffin lids.
    *
    Death sat in His garden, running a whetstone along the edge of His scythe. It was already so sharp that any passing breeze that blew across it was sliced smoothly into two puzzled zephyrs.
    *
    ‘Run away and leave Hrun with that thing?’ Twoflower said.
    Rincewind looked blank. ‘Why not?’ he said. ‘It’s his job.’
    ‘But it’ll kill him!’
    ‘It could be worse,’ said Rincewind.
    ‘What?’
    ‘It could be us,’ Rincewind pointed out logically.
    *
    ‘We’ve strayed into a zone with a high magical index,’ Rincewind said. ‘Don’t