The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

off all your clothes and run naked in the rain?’ she hazarded.
    ‘Oh, yes . Right,’ said Nanny.
    ‘Well … I suppose Perdita is that part of me.’
    ‘Really? I’ve always been that part of me,’ said Nanny. ‘The important thing is to remember where you left your clothes.’
    *
    ‘People have quite the wrong idea about vampires, you see. Are we fiendish killers?’ He beamed at them. ‘Well, yes, of course we are. But only when necessary’
    *
    They were listening quite contentedly to the worst music since Shawn Ogg’s bagpipes had been dropped down the stairs.
    *
    They watched the servant limp off. The Count shook his head.
    ‘He’ll never retire,’ said Vlad. ‘He’ll never take a hint.’
    ‘And it’s so old fashioned having a servant called Igor,’ said the Countess. ‘He really is too much.’
    ‘Look, it’s simple,’ said Lacrimosa. ‘Just take him down to the cellars, slam him in the Iron Maiden, stretch him on the rack over a fire for a day or two, and then slice him thinly from the feet upwards, so he can watch. You’ll be doing him a kindness, really’
    ‘I suppose it’s the best way’ said the Count sadly.
    *
    There was more to Mr Oats than met the eye. There had to be.
    *
    Books that were all about the world tended to be written by people who knew all about books rather than all about the world.
    *
    ‘Look, you said you’ve studied vampires, didn’t you? What’s good for vampires?’
    Oats thought for a moment. ‘Er … a nice dry coffin, er, plenty of fresh blood, er, overcast skies …’ His voice trailed off when he saw her expression. ‘Ah … well, it depends exactly where they’re from, I remember. Uberwald is a very big place. Er, cutting off the head and staking them in the heart is generally efficacious.’
    ‘But that works on everyone,’ said Nanny.
    *
    ‘You don’t know what he’s like,’ said Agnes. ‘He looks at me as if he’s undressing me with his eyes.’
    ‘Eyes is allowed,’ said Nanny.
    *
    Agnes’s arm whirled. The holy water spiralled out of the bottle and hit Vlad full in the chest.
    He threw his arms wide and screamed as water cascaded down and poured into his shoes.
    ‘Look at this waistcoat! Will you look at this waistcoat? Do you know what water does to silk? You just never get it out! No matter what you do, there’s always a mark.’
    *
    Few birds could sit more meekly than the Lancre wowhawk, or lappet-faced worrier, a carnivore permanently on the lookout for the vegetarian option.

    The Count blew a smoke ring.
    ‘Good evening,’ he said, as it drifted away. ‘You must be the mob.’

    ‘May I introduce you to Sergeant Kraput, and this gentleman here picking his teeth with his knife is Corporal Svitz. They and their men will be going on duty in, oh, about an hour. Purely for reasons of security, you understand.’
    ‘An’ then we’ll gut yer like a clam and stuff yer with straw,’ said Corporal Svitz.
    ‘Ah. This is technical military language of which I know little,’ said the Count. ‘I do so hope there is no unpleasantness.’
    ‘I don’t,’ said Sergeant Kraput.
    ‘What scamps they are,’ said the Count.
    *
    ‘It’th a pleathure to be commanded in a clear, firm authoritative voithe, mithtreth,’ said Igor, lurching over to the bridles. ‘None of thith “Would you mind …” rubbith. An Igor liketh to know where he thtandth.’
    ‘Slightly lopsidedly?’ said Magrat.
    *
    ‘The Prophet Brutha said that Om helps those who help one another.’
    ‘And does he?’
    ‘To be honest, there are a number of opinions of what was meant.’
    ‘How many?’
    ‘About one hundred and sixty, since the Schism of 10.30 a.m., February 23. That was when the Re-United Free Chelonianists (Hubwards Convocation) schismed from the Re-United Free Chelonianists (Rimwards Convocation). It was rather serious.’
    ‘Blood spilled?’ said Agnes. She wasn’t really interested, but it took her mind off whatever might be waking up in a minute.
    ‘No, but there were fisticuffs and a deacon had ink spilled on him.’
    *
    ‘The Omnians used to burn witches …’
    ‘They never did,’ said Granny.
    ‘I’m afraid I have to admit that the records show—’
    ‘They never burned witches,’ said Granny. ‘Probably they burned some old ladies who spoke up or couldn’t run away. I wouldn’t look for witches bein’ burned,’ she added, shifting position. ‘I might look for witches doin’ the burning, though. We ain’t