The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

all nice.’
    *
    ‘There is a very interesting debate raging at the moment [among Omnians] about the nature of sin, for example.’
    ‘And what do they think? Against it, are they?’ [said Granny]
    ‘It’s not as simple as that. It’s not a black and white issue. There are so many shades of grey’
    ‘There’s no greys, only white that’s got grubby. I’m surprised you don’t know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.’
    ‘It’s a lot more complicated than that—’
    ‘No. It ain’t. When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they’re getting worried that they won’t like the truth. People as things, that’s where it starts.’
    ‘Oh, I’m sure there are worse crimes—’
    ‘But they starts with thinking about people as things …’
    *
    Scraps tried to lick Igor. He was a dog with a lot of lick to share.
    ‘Thcrapth, play dead,’ said Igor. The dog dropped and rolled over with his legs in the air.
    ‘Thee?’ said Igor. ‘He rememberth!’
    *
    Agnes indicated the headless vampire. ‘Er … is that one Vlad?’ she said.
    ‘We can check. Piotr, show her the head.’
    A young man obediently went to the fireplace, pulled on a glove, lifted the lid of a big saucepan and held up a head by its hair.
    ‘That’s not Vlad,’ said Agnes, swallowing. No, said Perdita, Vlad was taller.
    *
    The Countess clutched his arm.
    ‘Oh, this does so remind me of our honeymoon,’ she said. ‘Don’t you remember those wonderful nights in Grjsknvij?’
    ‘Oh, fresh morning of the world indeed,’ said the Count solemnly.
    ‘Such romance … and we met such lovely people, too. Do you remember Mr and Mrs Harker?’
    ‘Very fondly. I recall they lasted nearly all week.’
    *
    Vampires are not naturally co-operative creatures. It’s not in their nature. Every other vampire is a rival for the next meal. In fact, the ideal situation for a vampire is a world in which every other vampire has been killed off and no one seriously believes in vampires any more.

 
    S AM Vimes is a man on the run.
    Yesterday he was a Me, a chief of police and the ambassador to the mysterious, fat-rich country of Uberwald.
    Now he has nothing but his native wit and the gloomy trousers of Uncle Vanya (don’t ask). It’s snowing. It’s freezing. And if he can’t make it through the forest to civilization there’s going to be a terrible war.
    But there are monsters on his trail. They’re bright. They’re fast. They’re werewolves - and they’re catching tip.
    Starring dwarfs, diplomacy, intrigue and big lamps of fat.
    All Jolson was a man who’d show up on an atlas and change the orbit of small planets. Paving stones cracked under his feet. He combined in one body – and there was plenty of room left over – Ankh-Morpork’s best chef and its keenest eater, a circumstance made in mashed potato heaven. He’d picked up the nickname by general acclaim, since no one seeing him in the street for the first time could believe that it was all Jolson.
    *
    It is in the nature of the universe that the person who always keeps you waiting ten minutes will, on the day you are ten minutes tardy, have been ready ten minutes early and will make a point of not mentioning this.
    *
    Uberwald was so thickly forested, so creased by little mountain ranges and beset by rivers, that it was largely unmapped. It was mostly unexplored, too.
    (At least by proper explorers. Just living there doesn’t count.)

    ‘I could’ve bin a wolf, you know,’ said Gaspode.
    ‘With diff’rent parents, of course.’

    ‘Someone said something blotto voice,’ said Captain Colon.
    ‘I’m sure they didn’t, captain,’ said Nobby.
    ‘And I won’t be eyeballed like that, neither!’
    ‘No one’s looking at you!’ wailed Nobby.
    ‘Aha, you think I don’t know that one?’ Colon shouted. ‘There’s plenty of ways to eyeball someone without lookin’ at ‘em, corporal. That man over there is earlobing me!’
    *
    Gaspode settled down in the pose he almost unconsciously categorized as Faithful Companion Keeping Watch, got bored, scratched himself absent-mindedly, curled up in the pose known as Faithful Companion Curled Up With His Nose Pressed On His Bottom, and fell asleep.
    *
    Lord Vetinari paused. He found it difficult to talk to Frederick Colon. He dealt on a daily basis with people who treated conversation as a complex game, and with Colon he had to