This Girl: A Novel

ask me to . . . I would.
    “I’m not saying you would ask me that. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from.”
    “I do understand,” she says. “It’s ridiculous to assume we even have anything worth risking.”
    She can deny it all she wants, but whatever it is that I’m feeling, I know she’s feeling it, too. I can see it in her eyes. “We both know it’s more than that.”
    As soon as the words leave my lips, I immediately regret them. This girl is my student. S-T-U-D-E-N-T! I’ve got to get this through my head.
    We’re both silent. The lack of conversation only invites the emotions we’ve been trying to suppress. She begins to cry, and despite the fact that my conscience is screaming at me, I can’t help but console her. I pull her to me and she buries her face in my shirt. I want so bad to push the thought out of my head that this is the last time I’m going to hold her like this—but I know it’s true. I know once we separate, it’s over. There’s no way I can continue to be around her with the way she consumes my every thought. I know, deep down, that this is good-bye.
    “I’m so sorry,” I whisper into her hair. “I wish there was something I could do to change things. I have to do this right for Caulder. I’m not sure where we go from here, or how we’ll transition.”
    “Transition?” she says. She brings her eyes to meet mine and they’re full of panic. “But—what if you talk to the school? Tell them we didn’t know. Ask them what our options are.”
    She doesn’t realize it, but that’s all I’ve been trying to figure out for the last five hours. I’ve been thinking of any and all possible scenarios to change the outcome for us. There just isn’t one.
    “I can’t, Lake. It won’t work. It can’t work.”
    She pulls apart from me when Kel and Caulder come out of her house. I reluctantly release my hold from around her, knowing it’s the last time I’ll hold her. This is more than likely the last time we’ll have a conversation outside school. In order for me to do the right thing, I know that letting her go completely is the only way. I need to distance myself from her.
    “Layken?” I say hesitantly. “There’s one more thing I need to talk to you about.”
    She rolls her eyes like she knows it’s something bad. She doesn’t respond, though. She just waits for me to continue.
    “I need you to go to administration tomorrow. I want you to withdraw from my class. I don’t think we should be around each other anymore.”
    “Why?” she says, turning to face me. The hurt in her voice is exactly what I was afraid I would hear.
    “I’m not asking you to do this because I want to avoid you. I’m asking you this because what we have isn’t appropriate. We have to separate ourselves.”
    The hurt in her eyes is replaced by a look of incredulity. “Not appropriate?” she says, disbelievingly. “Separate ourselves? You live across the street from me!”
    The hurt in her voice, the anger in her expression, the heartache in her eyes; it’s too much. Seeing her hurt like this and not being able to console her is unbearable. If I don’t get out of this car right now, my hands will be tangled in her hair and my lips will be meshed with hers in a matter of seconds. I swing open the door and get out.
    I just need to breathe.
    She opens her door, too, and looks at me over the hood of her car. “We’re both mature enough to know what’s appropriate, Will. You’re the only person I know here. Please don’t ask me to act like I don’t even know you,” she pleads.
    “Come on, Lake. You aren’t being fair. I can’t do this. We can’t just be friends. It’s the only choice we have.”
    She has no idea how close I came to not being her friend just now. There’s no possible way I can be around this girl and continue to do the right thing. I’m not that strong.
    She opens her car door and reaches inside to grab her things. “So, you’re saying it’s either all or nothing, right? And since it obviously can’t be all!” She slams the door and walks toward her house. She stops short and kicks over the gnome with the broken red hat. “You’ll be rid of me by third period tomorrow!” She slams her front door, leaving me a heartbroken, emotional wreck in her driveway.
    The last thing I wanted out of this was to upset her even more. I pound my fists against the top of her Jeep, pissed at myself for putting her in this situation to begin with.