Unbroken

a note of hope.
    I shake my head.
    He takes a long breath, as if he’s deciding something. “This isn’t you,” he says, like he’s trying to convince himself. “Going back, all the old memories… You’re under a lot of pressure. Maybe this is my fault,” he looks at me plaintively, “I should have been there for you.”
    “No!” I cry. This is exactly what Lacey told me this morning, but it feels like a million years ago. How could I have ever thought I could just sweep what happened with Emerson aside? It meant something to me.
    God, it meant everything!
    “You don’t understand,” I try to explain. “I’m a mess! I’m crazy, and damaged, and fucked up,” I sob, “and I’ve been so busy hiding it from you…” I trail off. This is impossible, how can I explain what the hell’s going on in my messed up mind when I don’t even know for myself?
    Daniel comes over and puts his arms around me. “It’s OK,” he says, soothing. He strokes my hair gently. “I don’t know what’s going on, but we’ll figure this out together. Nothing has to change.”
    “But it does!” I pull away. He’s not listening to me! I take a ragged breath and try to find the words to make him understand. “I just… I don’t know what I want anymore.”
    Daniel freezes. “You mean, us?”
    I swallow back a sob. He’s looking at me so nervously, like I could take away everything in a heartbeat. And I can.
    “I… yes. No. I don’t know!” I cry, throwing my hands up. “I wish it was that simple, but it’s not.”
    Daniel looks at me. “Do you love me?” he asks quietly.
    “Yes!” I swear. “But, I don’t know if you’d love me anymore if you knew, if you knew everything.”
    “So tell me.” He grabs my hands. “Help me work this out.”
    I look into his brown eyes, wishing like hell that I could. If I could just tell Daniel everything, all my dark, broken secrets, and have him say it’s all OK anyway, maybe we could go back to the way things used to be…
    But I know that’s impossible. There’s no going back now. And even here, with Daniel breaking apart in front of me, I realize: I don’t want it to.
    I don’t want to pretend anymore.
    I don’t want to think of what might have been.
    I can’t build a future on half-truths and denial.
    Daniel lets go of my hands. He sees it, he has to, because something in his expression deflates.
    “Do you love him?” he demands.
    I shrug helplessly. “I don’t know. I did, once.”
    “And now?”
    “Now, I just don’t know.” I catch my breath, admitting it to myself for the first time. “Maybe?”
    That’s the thing, I just don’t know yet. Maybe what I feel for Emerson is just desire, or maybe it’s more. But I can’t ignore it, not if I’m going to figure out where the hell I’m going to go from here.
    “So what do you want?” Daniel’s voice is harsh. Hurt. I flinch away, but I know it’s no less than I deserve.
    “I don’t know,” I say again. Useless. “Some time. To figure this out.”
    “A break.”
    “I… yes.” I swallow back a sob, staring at him plaintively. “I’m sorry, Daniel, you have to believe, I never meant to hurt you.”
    He shakes his head. He’s angry, I can tell. Hurt and betrayed. But he holds it back. Even now, he doesn’t raise his voice, just asks. “How long do you need?”
    “I don’t know.” It’s all I’m saying right now, over and over, but it’s the truth. I have nothing else to give him, but he deserves that, at least.
    “But you’re going back there, to him?” Daniel’s eyes flash accusingly.
    I nod, shameful. “I have to,” I beg, wishing he would understand even knowing I have no right to expect it. “I have to see, try and figure this out.”
    “But I can be good to you.” Daniel’s voice breaks with emotion, and I feel a sharp stab of pain at his distress. I did this to him. He doesn’t deserve any of it, but I’m hurting him all the same. “I know you’re confused, and hurting,” he begs me, “but Juliet, we’re good. We fit. We can make a life together.”
    I can’t hold the sobs back any longer. “I’m sorry,” I tell him, swiping angrily at the tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’m sorry I can’t be the girl you love. I just.. I need to figure out who I am!”
    I turn and hurry away. The apartment door slams behind me, and then I’m running down his stairs, crying for real this time. I barely see where I’m going, and I trip on the bottom step,