Unseen Academicals

suspiciously like an anagram for people like you. She is not real and you are.
    ‘We had better get on the coach,’ said Nutt, picking up his box.
    Glenda gave up on the thinking and burst into tears. It has to be said that they were not the gentle tears they would have been from Mary the housemaid, but the really big long-drawn-out blobby ones you get from someone who very rarely cries. They were gummy, with a hint of snot in there as well. But they were real . Mary the housemaid would just not have been able to match them.
    So, of course, it will be just like Trev Likely to turn up out of the shadows and say, ‘They’re calling the coach now—Are you two all right?’
    Nutt looked at Glenda. Tears aren’t readily retractable, but she managed to balance a smile on them. ‘I believe this to be the case,’ said Nutt.

    Travelling on a fast coach, on even a mild autumn night, those passengers on the roof experience the temperature that can freeze doorknobs. There are leather covers and rugs of various age, thickness and smell. Survival is only possible by wrapping yourself in the biggest cocoon you can achieve, preferably with somebody else next to you; two people can heat up faster than one. In theory, all of this could lead to hanky panky, but the seats of the coach and the rockiness of the road mean that such things are not uppermost in the traveller’s mind, which dreams longingly of cushions. Furthermore, there was a fine rain now.
    Juliet craned her head to look at the seats behind, but there were just the mounds of damp rugs that were the coach company’s answer to the cold night air. ‘You don’t think they’re sweet on each other, do you?’ she said.
    Trev, who was himself cocooned in rugs, only managed a grunt, but then went on, ‘I think ’e admires her. He always seems a bit tongue-tied when ’e’s near her, that’s all I know.’

    This had to be a romance, Glenda thought. It wasn’t like the ones peddled every week by Iradne Comb-Buttworthy. It felt more real–more real and very, very strange.
    ‘Did you know that all of the orcs were hunted down after the war? All of them, children too,’ Nutt said.
    And people don’t say things like that in a romantic situation, thought Glenda. But it still is , she added.
    ‘But they were forced,’ she replied. ‘They had children. Okay?’ Should I tell him about the magic mirror? she wondered. Would it make things better? Or worse?
    ‘They were very bad times,’ said Nutt.
    ‘Well, look at it like this,’ said Glenda. ‘Most of the people who talk about orcs now don’t know what they’re on about, but the only orc they are ever going to see is you. You making beautiful candles. You training the football team. That will mean a lot. You’ll show them that orcs don’t go around pulling people’s heads off. That’ll be something to be proud of.’
    ‘Well, in fairness, I have to say that when I think of the amount of radial force that must have been necessary to effectively unscrew a human head against its owner’s wishes, I am a little impressed. But that’s now, sitting here with you. Then, I wanted to go up to the hills. I think that’s how we must have survived. If you didn’t keep away from humans you died.’
    ‘Yes, that’s a very good point,’ said Glenda, ‘but I think you should keep it to yourself for now.’ She noticed a surprised owl, lit up briefly by the coach’s lamps.
    Then she said, keeping her eyes straight ahead, ‘The thing about the poem…’
    ‘How did you know, Miss Glenda?’ said Nutt.
    ‘You talk about kindness a lot.’ She cleared her throat. ‘And under the circumstances, I think Glenda is sufficient.’
    ‘You were kind to me,’ said Nutt. ‘You are kind to everybody.’
    Glenda swiftly put aside a vision of Mr Ottomy and said, ‘No, I’m not, I’m shouting at everyone all the time!’
    ‘Yes, but it’s for their own good.’
    ‘What do we do now?’ Glenda said.
    ‘I have no idea. But can I tell you something very interesting about ships?’
    It wasn’t exactly what Glenda had expected, but somehow it was one hundred per cent Nutt. ‘Please tell me the interesting thing about ships,’ she said.
    ‘The interesting thing about ships is that the captains of ships have to be very careful when two ships are close together at sea, particularly in calm conditions. They tend to collide.’
    ‘Because of the wind blowing, and that?’ said Glenda, thinking: In theory this is a