Unseen Academicals

do it? You took the pole to bits! They don’t grow on trees! You’ll get us all into trouble!’
    ‘Why can’t he be a player?’ said Juliet, staring at her reflection in a window.
    ‘What?’ said Glenda.
    ‘Bloody hell,’ said Trev. ‘With him on the team you wouldn’t need a team!’
    ‘That’d save a lot of trouble, then,’ said Juliet.
    ‘So you say,’ said Glenda, ‘and where would be the fun in that? That wouldn’t be football any more—’
    ‘We are being watched,’ said Nutt. ‘I am sorry to interrupt you.’
    Trev glanced around. The street was busy, but mostly with its own affairs. ‘There’s no one interested, Gobbo. We’re well away.’
    ‘I can feel it on my skin,’ Nutt insisted.
    ‘What, through all that wool?’ said Glenda.
    He turned round, soulful eyes on her. ‘Yes,’ he said, and remembered Ladyship testing him on that. It had seemed like a game at the time.
    He glanced up and a large head drew back quickly from a parapet. There was a very faint smell of bananas. Ah, that one. He was nice. Nutt saw him sometimes, going hand over hand along the pipes.
    ‘You ought to get ’er home,’ said Trev to Glenda.
    Glenda shuddered. ‘Not a good idea. Old Stollop’ll ask her what she saw at the game.’
    ‘Well?’
    ‘She’ll tell him. And who she saw—’
    ‘Can’t she lie?’
    ‘Not in the way you can, Trev. She’s just no good at making stuff up. Look, let’s get back to the university. We all work there, and I often go in to catch up. We’ll go directly now and you two go back the long way. We never saw one another, right? And for heavens’ sake don’t let him do anything silly!’
    ‘Excuse me, Miss Glenda,’ said Nutt meekly.
    ‘Yes, what?’
    ‘Which of us were you addressing?’

    ‘I have let you down,’ said Nutt, as they strolled through the post-match crowds. At least, Trev ambled; Nutt moved with a strange gait that suggested there was something wrong with his pelvis.
    ‘Nah, it’s fixable,’ said Trev. ‘Everything is fixable. I’m a fixer, me. What did anybody really see? Just a bloke in Dimmer kit. There’s thousands of us. Don’t worry. Er, how come you’re so tough, Gobbo? You spent your life lifting weights, or what?’
    ‘You are correct in your surmise, Mister Trev. Before I was born I did indeed use to lift weights. I was only a child then, of course.’
    They strolled on and after a while Trev said, ‘Could you say that again? It’s got stuck in my head. Actually, I think part of it’s stickin’ out of my ear.’
    ‘Ah, yes. Perhaps I have confused you. There was a time when my mind was full of darkness. Then Brother Oats helped me to the light, and I was born.’
    ‘Oh, religion stuff.’
    ‘But here I am. You asked why I am strong? When I lived in the dark of the forge, I used to lift weights. The tongs at first, and then the little hammer and then the biggest hammer, and then one day I could lift the anvil. That was a good day. It was a little freedom.’
    ‘Why was it so important to lift the anvil?’
    ‘I was chained to the anvil.’
    They walked on in silence again until Trev, picking each word with care, said, ‘I guess things must be sort of tough in the high country?’
    ‘It is not so bad now, I think.’
    ‘Makes you count your blessin’s, that sort of thing.’
    ‘The presence of a certain lady, Mister Trev?’
    ‘Yes, since you ask. I think about ’er all the time! I really like ’er! But she’s a Dolly!’ A small group of supporters turned to glance at them, and he lowered his voice to a hiss. ‘She’s got brothers with fists the size of a bull’s arse!’
    ‘I have read, Mister Trev, that love laughs at locksmiths.’
    ‘Really? And what does it do when it’s been smacked in the face by a bull’s arse?’
    ‘The poets are not forthcoming in that respect, Mister Trev.’
    ‘Besides,’ said Trev, ‘locksmiths tend to be quiet blokes, you know? Careful and patient and that. Like you. I reckon you could get away with a bit of a joke. You must ’ave met girls. I mean, you’re no oil painting, that’s a fact, but they like a posh voice. I bet you ’ad them eatin’ out of your ’and…well, after you’d washed it, obviously.’
    Nutt hesitated. There had been Ladyship, of course, and Miss Healstether, neither of whom fitted easily into the category of ‘girl’. Of course, there were the Little Sisters, who were certainly young and apparently female but it had to be said looked