Watch Me Disappear

was no fun. Everyone was tense and weird and it just didn’t work. It’s okay if I’m hanging out with just Missy or just Paul, but to hang out with both of them at the same time, or even to go out with a big group that includes them, makes me too uncomfortable. I guess I’m feeling what some people might call heartbroken. And jealous, let’s not forget that.
    So here I am, almost Christmas break, and my relationship with Paul is basically limited to art class. While I still talk to Missy on the phone a lot, Maura’s the one who makes sure I don’t end up sitting home all weekend. She likes inviting me places because if I go, Mrs. Morgan doesn’t worry. She sees me as the adult who keeps everything under control, the little mother of the group, which I more or less am. Sometimes I have a beer or two, but usually I don’t. I don’t like getting dizzy and hearing my own words slur. Generally I just sit around, taking it all in. Maura cannot stop talking about how great it will be when I get my license. Then she’ll never have to worry about a ride.
    My mother, however, is beginning to question some of Maura’s behavior. The more time she spends around the Morgans, the more she decides that Maura is not respectful enough toward her parents and that they let her run wild. Still, having given me so much freedom already, she can’t just revoke all my privileges now. She has decided I shouldn’t go to any more sleepovers, but other than that, I can pretty much go where I want. The problem is getting home from parties where everyone else is staying, but once I can drive, I’ll have all the freedom I need.
    Jeff is coming home for two full weeks over Christmas, and Jen is not coming with him. With a much needed break from the never-ending onslaught of homework on the horizon, I am looking forward to the holidays. Having Jeff around will take my mind off of Paul and Missy, and I will have too much family stuff going on to get sucked into any of Maura’s schemes.
     
    *          *          *
     
    “How’d you meet him anyway?” I ask Maura one afternoon on the way to Jason’s. Katherine and Jessica have gotten tired of the routine of hanging out with Jason’s Neanderthal friends while Maura and Jason kiss and cuddle on the couch before disappearing into Jason’s room for a while. More and more often if Maura has plans with Jason, they find something else to do, which leaves just me as her entourage.
    “He’s Paul’s second cousin or something like that,” she says casually. “I told you that, didn’t I?”
    She hadn’t.
    “Yeah, we met at Paul’s Confirmation party a couple of years ago,” she says, and then she explains. Paul’s mother and Jason’s mother are cousins who grew up together and treated one another like sisters. When Paul was just a baby, his dad split, and Paul and his mom lived with Jason and his mom for a few years. Apparently as little kids, Paul and Jason were best buddies. Paul’s mom, though, sort of outgrew Jason’s mom. Paul’s mom is ambitious; she got a degree from community college and worked hard to give Paul a good life, while Jason’s mom is happy as long as there’s enough money after rent to buy beer and cigarettes. Paul’s mom doesn’t make much money, but she has found ways to provide for Paul. When he was going into fourth grade, she got him into parochial school on a scholarship. After that, Paul’s and Jason’s paths started to diverge. Jason chose vocational high school, while Paul—who didn’t manage to land a scholarship to private high school—went to the regular high school in a college prep track. But the two are family and as such they stayed friends, seeing each other now and then and keeping on good terms until the past year or so when Jason spent time in juvenile detention, Maura isn’t sure what for. “After we met at Paul’s party, he friended me on Facebook, you know, and we kept in touch,” she concludes.
    “So when you and Paul broke up, he made his move?” I ask, trying to understand the details.
    “I guess you could say that. I mean, I saw his pics—he went from being an average Joe to a total hottie, like, overnight. I was interested.”
    I think I can infer that actually she had started this relationship with Jason and not the other way around, but I don’t prod further. I wonder what he went to juvie for, and I’m sure Paul knows, but I can’t ask him. Jason doesn’t feel dangerous to me, just