Watch Me Disappear

Paul sit at the end of the table with Missy and me on either side of him. I avoid conversation by shoveling food into my face and not making eye contact with any of the adults who smile condescendingly and ask us questions about school and what colleges we’re applying to. Paul, of course, charms the pants off all of them, at least whenever Missy lets him get a word in. It seems to me that dinner lasts for hours and by the end I am so full of food I can barely breathe. Thankfully after dinner, the party ends rather abruptly and I don’t have to suffer through more small talk while also trying to hold in my gut.
    As soon as the door shuts behind the last guest, Anna gives each of us of a task or two to help clean up, sending us to different rooms. I am relieved to have a minute to myself and to have the chance to move around after that huge meal. My job is to bring dishes in from the dining room to the kitchen. Missy is in charge of loading the dishwasher and taking care of hand wash items. She has more than she can keep up with, so I don’t have to hurry. Paul’s job is to go through the other rooms and pick up stray cocktail napkins and glasses.
    I am slowly stacking some plates to bring into the kitchen when Anna comes in.
    “It’s so nice to see you, Lizzie,” she says. She looks overwhelmed and tired, as if she realized too late that having a four-month-old baby makes throwing a party a lot more exhausting than it otherwise would have been. “I’m glad you’re staying tonight.”
    I like Anna, so I want to say something nice, but I’m not sure I can without betraying my true feelings. I just force a smile and continue gathering odd items from the table.
    “You know, we were just thrilled when Missy introduced you to us. With all the moving we’ve done, she hasn’t had a lot of good friends. I mean, Missy is so relaxed, she’s always managed, but to have a friend who is so studious and nice—it means a lot to us that she’s having such a nice senior year.”
    I nod, not looking up.
    “You can tell me if I’m wrong here, but maybe Paul has been a wedge between you two.”
    “No, no,” I say. “I like Paul. He’s great.”
    Anna smiles. “Well don’t be a stranger. Now that your college applications are in, you don’t have to work so hard, so you come over any time.”
    I nod again.
    “And thanks for helping with the clean-up,” she says, heading back toward the kitchen, taking with her a pile of napkins I had heaped up.
    I wonder what Missy has told her about me and Paul. I know Missy is the sort of girl who tells her mom a lot of stuff, but I also know she doesn’t tell her everything. Still, it seems to me that Anna knows how hurt I am. Whether she thinks that is because Missy’s been ditching me for Paul or because Paul broke my heart, I can’t say.
     
    *          *          *
     
    Paul doesn’t linger much after we clean up. Missy and I change out of our party clothes and lounge in her room. I almost forgot how much I like her room, with her wacky decorations and brightly colored comforter. We gossip about kids and teachers from school and I can just about pretend we are back in the carefree summer. But, of course Missy can’t stay away from the topic of Paul for long.
    “You know when we first met, I thought he was just a player,” she says laughing.
    “He does seem a little too, I don’t know,” I pause, trying to figure out how to criticize Paul without giving away my feelings for him. “Like a playboy or something,” I say finally.
    “But he’s so sweet really. I think I’m in love with him,” she says, looking at me with watery eyes.
    “You haven’t been dating very long.”
    “I know, but I think when you know, you know.”
    “Well, be careful,” I say. “Don’t let your guard down too soon.”
    “What do you mean?” she says, sitting up on the bed.
    I know it’s the wrong thing to say but the words come out before I can stop them. I hear myself saying, “Well some people think Paul is just going to use you. He’ll just have sex with you and then ditch you.”
    “What? Did he ever say anything like that to you?”
    “Well, no, but…”
    “Then why would you think that?”
    “Maura said—”
    “Maura! Maura told you he was just going to use me? Why do you listen to her?”
    “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
    “Whatever. You know you can’t believe a word she says. I’m sure she told you she and Paul had