Wedding Night

are you?”
    “Oh … you know. Just around.” I force myself to pause before I add, light as gossamer, “Any luck with your room yet? Or the bed? Or … anything?”
    I know from Nico that she’s still roomless. But I also know Ben tried to hire a room off another guest on the beach. Sneaky little sod.
    “Oh, the room.” Lottie sounds disconsolate. “It’s beensuch a bloody saga. We’ve given up for now. We’re just going to enjoy the day.”
    “Right. Sensible plan.” I breathe a slight sigh of relief. “So, how is it out there? Sunny?”
    “Boiling.” Lottie sounds preoccupied. “Listen, Fliss, d’you remember that game Couples’ Quiz?”
    I wrinkle my brow. “You mean the TV show?”
    “Exactly. You had the board game, didn’t you? What kind of questions do they ask?”
    “Why?” I say, puzzled.
    “We’re doing a Couples’ Quiz contest. Are the questions hard?”
    “
Hard?
No! They’re just fun. Silly things. Basic stuff that couples know about each other.”
    “Ask me some.” Lottie sounds a bit tense. “Give me some practice.”
    “Well, OK.” I think for a moment. “What kind of toothpaste does Ben use?”
    “Don’t know,” says Lottie after a pause.
    “What’s his mother called?”
    “Don’t know.”
    “What is his favorite meal that you cook for him?”
    There’s a longer pause. “Don’t know,” she says at last. “I’ve never cooked for him.”
    “If he was going to the theater, would he choose Shakespeare, a modern play, or a musical?”
    “I don’t
know
!” wails Lottie. “I’ve never been to the theater with him. Ben’s right! We’re going to lose!”
    Is she insane? Of course they’re going to lose.
    “Does Ben know any of those things about you, do you think?” I ask mildly.
    “Of course not! Neither of us knows anything!”
    “Right. Well …”
    “I really don’t want to lose,” says Lottie, lowering her voice savagely. “There’s this bridezilla girl here and she’s been boasting about her wedding, and if I don’t know anything about my husband and he doesn’t know anything about me …”
    Then maybe you shouldn’t have married each other!
I want to yell.
    “Could you maybe … talk to each other?” I suggest at last.
    “Yes! Yes, that’s it,” says Lottie, as though I’ve cracked some fiendish code. “We’ll learn it all. Give me a list of the stuff I need to know.” She sounds determined. “Toothpaste, name of mother, favorite meals … Can you text all the questions to me?”
    “No, I can’t,” I say firmly. “I’m busy. Lottie, why on earth are you doing this? Why aren’t you lying on the beach?”
    “I got talked into it. And now we can’t back out, or we’ll look like we’re not a happy couple. Fliss, this place is mad. It’s Honeymoon Central.”
    I shrug. “You knew it would be, didn’t you?”
    “I suppose.…” She hesitates. “But I didn’t realize it would be
this
honeymoon-y. They have loved-up couples everywhere, and you can’t take a step without someone saying ‘Congratulations’ or chucking confetti over you. That bridezilla girl is renewing her vows already, can you believe? She was trying to talk me into doing it too.”
    For a moment I’ve forgotten where I am and the whole situation. I’m just chatting with Lottie.
    “Sounds like it’s become totally gimmicky.”
    “It is a bit.”
    “So don’t do the Couples’ Quiz.”
    “I have to.” She sounds resolute. “I’m not backing out now. So, should I know where Ben went to high school, all that kind of stuff? What about hobbies?”
    My frustration returns in a flash. This is
ridiculous
. She sounds like someone mugging up, trying to fool an immigration officer. For an instant I consider saying all this to her right now.
    But, at the same time, my deeper instincts tell me not to try anything by phone. All that will happen is we’ll have a steaming row and she’ll ring off and get Ben to impregnate her right then and there, probably on the beach in full view of everyone, just to show me.
    I need to get out there. Pretend that I simply wanted to surprise her. I’ll assess the territory, let her relax. Then I’ll draw her aside and we’ll have a chat. A frank chat. A long, relentless chat, from which I will not let her escape till she’s seen the whole picture.
Really
seen it.
    This Couples’ Quiz has played into my hands, I realize. She’s going to fall flat on her face in quite a public way. And then