Wedding Night

on.
    “Poor guy,” he adds, as he finally notices my disapproving look. “I mean, I feel for him, obviously. Nasty affliction.”
    “You have no evidence for this,” I point out.
    “It’s his honeymoon,” retorts Richard. “Who doesn’t do it on their honeymoon unless he can’t get it up?”
    “Can’t get what up?” Noah’s voice pipes louder.
    “Nothing, darling,” I say hastily to Noah. “Just something very grown-up and boring.”
    “Is it a grown-up thing that goes up?” asks Noah with piercing curiosity. “Does it ever go down?”
    “He can’t get it up!” Richard is exultant. “It all falls into place. Poor old Lottie.”
    “Who can’t get it up?” says Lorcan, turning toward us.
    “Ben,” says Richard.
    “Really?” Lorcan looks taken aback. “Shit.” He frowns thoughtfully. “Well, that explains a lot.”
    Oh God. This is how rumors start. This is how misunderstandings happen and archdukes get shot and world wars begin.
    “Listen, both of you!” I say fiercely. “Lottie has said
nothing
whatsoever to me about anything being up … or down.”
    “Mine is up,” volunteers Noah matter-of-factly, and I gasp in horror before I can stop myself.
    OK, Fliss. Don’t overreact. Be cool. Be an enlightened parent.
    “Really, darling? Gosh. Well.” My cheeks have flamed. Both men are waiting with expressions of glee. “That’s … that’s interesting, sweetheart. Maybe we’ll have a little talk about it later. Our bodies do wonderful, mysterious things, but we don’t always talk about them
in public
.” I give a meaningful look at Richard.
    Noah seems perplexed. “But the lady talked about it. She told me to put it up.”
    “What?”
I stare at him in equal confusion.
    “For takeoff. ‘Put your tray table up.’ ”
    “Oh.” I gulp. “Oh, I see. Your
tray table
.” I can feel a snort of mirth rising.
    “Poor Uncle Ben’s tray table doesn’t go up,” says Richard, deadpan.
    “Stop!” I try to sound admonishing, but I’m in fits of laughter. “I’m sure it does—” I break off as the air hostess’s voice comes over the sound system.
    “Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention? I have a very important announcement.”
    Uh-oh. I hope the old lady’s OK. I suddenly feel mortified that we’ve been laughing while a drama’s going on.
    “I regret to inform you that, due to a medical emergency on board, the plane will be unable to land at Ikonos as originally planned but will be landing at our nearest available airport with full medical facilities, which, at this moment, is Sofia.”
    I’m pinned to the seat with shock. My hilarity has melted away. We’re being
diverted
?
    “I do apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you and will of course give you any further information when I have it.”
    A ruckus of protest has broken out all around me, but I barely hear it. This cannot be happening. Lorcan turns to me incredulously.
    “Sofia,
Bulgaria
? How many hours will that delay us?”
    “I don’t know.”
    “What’s wrong?” Noah is looking from face to face. “Mummy, what’s wrong? Who’s Sofia?”
    “It’s a place.” I swallow hard. “Turns out we’re going there first. Won’t that be fun?” I glance again at Richard. He’s lost all his ebullience too. He’s sagged right down and is gazing at the seat back with a savage scowl.
    “Well, that’s it. We’ll be too late. I thought we had a chance to get there before they … you know.” He spreads his hands. “But now it’s impossible.”
    “It’s not impossible!” I retort, trying to reassure myself as much as him. “Richard, listen. The truth is, Lottie’s so-called marriage is already falling to bits.”
    I wasn’t going to say as much as that, but I think he needs a shot of confidence in the arm.
    “You don’t know that,” he growls.
    “I do! What you don’t know is, there’s a history here. Every time Lottie breaks up with someone, she does this.”
    “She gets
married
?” Richard looks scandalized. “Every time?”
    “No!” I want to laugh at his expression. “I just mean she does something rash and idiotic. And then she comes to. I’ll probably get off the plane and find a text waiting for me, saying,
Fliss, I made a huge mistake! Help!
”
    I can see Richard digesting this idea. “You really think so?”
    “Believe me, I’ve been here before. I call them her Unfortunate Choices. Sometimes she joins a cult, sometimes she gets a tattoo.…