When You Were Here

Buddhism. But over the last few years,she definitely felt more affinity for Eastern religions and for the central beliefs of Buddhism—reincarnation, nirvana, wisdom, karma, and enlightenment—than she felt for Judaism. Though honestly, the religions aren’t that different at the core.
    She talked about Buddhism a couple times over our many dinners out in Los Angeles—at the Indian buffet around the corner or the nearby taqueria that had twenty different kinds of salsa, including pineapple and mango, her favorites, or even Captain Wong’s—no MSG, brown rice, just veggies for her.
    “I sent in my application today,” she said over broccoli.
    I raised my eyebrows in question.
    “For Buddhism. I hope I filled out the form correctly. I want to see if they’ll accept me,” she said.
    “Ah, I hear it can be quite rigorous.”
    “They usually get back to you in a few months, but I filed it early decision, so I think I’ll hear sooner.”
    “Well, that’s binding, you know. Are you ready for that kind of commitment?” I teased as I speared a piece of pepper steak.
    “ U.S. News and World Report ranked it top among world religions, so I think I’ll be okay with the decision,” she said, then took a bite of her broccoli. Her tone shifted then; she became not so much serious but heartfelt. “I think it would give me peace, though, Danny. With everything.”
    “Sure. Peace is good. Who doesn’t like peace?” I said, doing everything not to change the tone in my voice, doingeverything to keep the conversation light. “And I like this pepper steak. We should come to Captain Wong’s for graduation dinner. Don’t you think?”
    She gave me a small smile, then a nod, and kept eating.
    I wasn’t really sure what I thought about Buddhism then, or now, to be honest. Besides, I’d always assumed that as Jews—cultural or otherwise—we were on the same page with the whole no-traditional-afterlife thing, but maybe my mom started to believe in more.
    “What do you think she’d be reincarnated as?” Kana asks in her soft voice, her Tatsuma Teahouse voice.
    I am tempted to make a joke, but when I flash back on the conversations with my mom over dinner, I know now’s not the time to be flippant. Besides, when Kana looks at me with those earnest eyes, I can tell she is paying respects, that this is how she honors the dead. So I give the question space, and I give myself time to form a real answer. Not just words I pluck from thin air because they happen to fit the question. But an answer from within. Because I know the answer, deep in my gut. “A lilac bush. She would be reincarnated as a lilac bush. And she would love it. She loved lilacs like it was a religion. She said nothing smelled as good as a lilac bush. Whenever she saw one, she’d stop and smell it. And not just smell but inhale it, ingest it.”
    She did that at our neighbor’s house in Santa Monica. When we went for walks, she’d glance behind us, survey his yard, and then she’d grab my hand and we’d rush over to his prize lilac bush. She’d lean in, breathe it, and then waftit toward her with her hand. That’s why I stole clippings of it for Mother’s Day that year.
    “Ah, heaven,” she said. She sniffed it one more time for good measure. “Someday I will have a yard full of lilacs. Someday I will spend my days doing crossword puzzles and smelling lilacs. And my children will bring me dark chocolate on a tray while wearing little waiter suits.”
    Then she punched me lightly on the arm and said, “C’mon, we have to get out of here before the crazy man shows up.”
    Kana’s eyes sparkle as she listens to the story, little glimmers of light dancing across her pupils.
    She places her hand on my arm. “Danny, Mr.-Stories-Aren’t-Really-My-Thing-Danny. You just told me a story. And I think that is the most animated you have been since I met you.”
    “Why do you think she was so happy here, Kana? You spent time with her when I couldn’t be here. What was she like? You said in your note how she was always joyful.”
    “I think it takes a very special person to find the joy in everyday life. Your mom was like that. She was one of those people.”
    Everyday life. I flash back over the last week with Kana. Crepes and conversations. Panda erasers and pictures of my dog. And talking. So much talking. About everything and nothing. Maybe that is enough to be happy. Maybe it’ll be enough for me.
    But how do you find joy in everyday