Where Nerves End

somethings going on.”
“Im not suggesting hes stupid,” I said. “But that doesnt mean—”
“Jason, we really shouldnt do this.” Sighing, he sagged against the counter. “Im sorry. Its not that I dont want to take it any further, but…” He shook his head. “I have to think about my kid. And with us living together, that could really complicate things.”
“Living together will also complicate things if we decide to back off.”
“So are we obligated to keep it going?” he asked. “Because we live together?”
“Not at all. Im just saying it would be complicated either way.” I hooked my thumbs in the pockets of my jeans. “We cant exactly go back and erase everything thats happened.”
“No, I suppose we cant.” He rubbed his forehead and sighed. “The thing is, my kid doesnt even know Im gay. I barely knew myself until recently. How the hell do I explain any of that to a seven-yearold?”
“Are you ashamed of it?”
“What?” He shook his head. “No, of course not. I…” Lowering his gaze, he released a breath. “I mean, Im not sure. I really dont know how I feel about it. About…any of it.”
I didnt respond. I didnt know how.
Keeping his voice so low I could barely hear him, Michael went on, “It goes beyond telling him Im gay. Just dating at all is fucking complicated these days. I spend half the time worrying less about the relationship itself and more about how itll affect my kid, which pretty much sabotages things, and…” He trailed off. “I probably make things more complicated than I should, but there it is.”
“And I probably empathize with Dylan more than you think,” I said. “My parents are divorced and both remarried while I was a kid.”
He shifted a little, eyebrows up. “And was it difficult for you?”
I shrugged. “Of course it was. But it wasnt the end of the world.”
“And how would it have been if one of your parents was gay?”
“I dont know. Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it wouldnt have. But I did want my parents to be happy.”
Michael sighed. “Which Dylan definitely wants. I think its been harder on him than me when Ive split with people.” He paused. “The last time I broke up with someone, it was completely amicable, and honestly, I think that made it even harder on Dylan than if hed heard us fighting, or wed been cold toward each other with him around.”
I cocked my head. “How so?”
“It confused the hell out of him. I mean, wed kept all of our arguments out of his sight. And, like I said, it was amicable. We told Dylan we werent getting along and needed to go our separate ways, but to a five-yearold, that didnt make any sense. Hed never seen us not getting along, so as far as he could see, things were fine.”
Michael sighed. “His mother and I have always been on friendly terms too, and weve been apart as long as he can remember. So he doesnt know how to deal with relationships. His mom and dad have never been together. His dads only girlfriends have left with, as far as Dylans concerned, no warning. Thats why hes never been able to bond with his stepfather. Hes scared to death that any day now hes going to come home and Lee will be gone.”
Closing his eyes, he scrubbed a hand over his face and swore under his breath. “The fact that you and I are living together just makes it that much more complicated. For Dylan and for me.”
“And me.”
“And you,” he said with a subtle nod. “Look, I know Im probably making more out of this than I should, but…Im sorry.” He avoided my eyes and, with a decisive backward step, widened the gap between us. “Im not ready for this. Not right now.”
I swallowed, but didnt say anything. What could I say? I should have known this wouldnt be as simple as falling into bed a few times and everything being perfect from there on out.
“I should…” He cleared his throat. “I promised Dylan Id take him out to eat tonight, so, I think he and I are going to get going. Ill, um, be back in a few hours.”
I just nodded.
He went upstairs. Moments later, he returned with Dylan, and the two of them disappeared out the front door.
As soon as they were gone, I let out my breath. How could I argue with a man who wanted to protect his kid? I remembered all too well what it was like when my divorced parents started dating other people, and I lost enough sleep these days without compounding it by being the reason a little boy was worried, confused, or upset.
But now what the hell did I