Write me a Letter

in, your real name getting out, your old employers seeing your name in the headlines, plummeting mobile home values due to the bad publicity, need I go on? Next.”
    ”I can’t wait.” He picked up a skein of yellow yarn and looked at it critically.
    ”As for all those so-called straights out there,” I said, finishing up the milk, ”when I ran a check on you, I also ran one on every male resident in the estate. I can’t name any names but I came up with one nonpayment of alimony, two with juvenile records, one car theft, one assault and battery conviction, and one guy banned from all racetracks in the United States and Canada for life.” What the hell, dress it up a bit.
    ”No kidding?” said Elkins, his face brightening. ”I wonder which one he is?”
    ”So there it is,” I said, getting slowly to my feet. ”Thanks for the milk.” I checked my watch. ”I’m going to give Katy a call so she doesn’t send in the marines while you dig up the loot from wherever it’s hidden. Wherever it is, I bet I could find it in five minutes.”
    ”Bet you couldn’t,” he said. He trotted off toward the bedroom. I called Katy and told her all was well and I’d see her anon. Elkins came back with a well-stuffed money belt and a shoe box.
    ”List is in the belt,” he said as I was strapping it on under my shirt but over the corset. His eyebrows lifted when he spied my unusual undergarment but he didn’t say anything. We shook hands at the door.
    ”Thanks, friend,” he said.
    ”What the hell,” I said.
    ”In the shoe box,” he said. ”There’s something for you. If you don’t like it, chuck it out.”
    ”Those other two windows in the ark,” I said. ”Who goes into them?”
    ”My two girls,” he said. ”But I haven’t seen them for so long who knows what they look like now.”
    ”So do them as they looked then,” I said. ”See ya.”
    ”Anytime, and I mean that,” he said.
    I walked back to Katy’s. I didn’t see anyone to say good morning to, so I said it to a bench. Katy, kindly lady that she was, agreed completely with my plan, I didn’t even have to start listing the unpleasant alternatives. When I mentioned the state of Mr. Elkins’ icebox, she snapped her fingers and said, ”Now it’s my turn to have an idea. Mrs. Galanti and Mrs. Swaine.”
    ”Elucidate,” I said.
    ”They’re both great cooks,” she said, her dimples bigger than ever. ”I’ll get them to give Mr. Elkins cooking lessons.”
    ”He’ll love that!” I enthused. ”Oh, and by the way, tell the ladies, anytime they’re short a fourth for canasta, he’s their man.”

20

    Not a bad morning’s work, I thought to myself on the way back to the motel, checking the money belt every few seconds to see if it was still there and clutching the shoe box to my manly chest. Mr. Elkins was out of the shit, and out of that fuselage he lived in, going around being an expert on home security devices—and if not him, who—also enjoying tasty, dimly lit intime supper parties with Mrs. Galanti and Mrs. Swaine. Eight upset citizens would soon be mighty relieved to have their lucre back, Katy was mighty relieved to have everything resolved without any fuss, and also relieved of five hundred smackers she pressed on me as I was taking my leave and bending over to kiss her curvaceous cheek.
    Back at the motel, I packed up what little I had, paid my bill, dropped by the Bunkhouse for a microwaved hot dog, then had Sal call me a cab. When it appeared, I said good-bye and catch you next time around to her, and eased myself into it rear end first, Doc, then took in the passing scenery, what there was of it, as the cabby drove me sedately to the airport.
    As the Sacramento city fathers had wisely located their airport in a reclaimed swamp, fog commonly descended or rolled in or formed or materialized or whatever it is fog does, most afternoons; I believe my flight was the last one out that day. Adios, Sacramento and all whom there do dwell. Buenas tardes, Burbank , likewise, an hour or so later.
    I cabbed it to my apartment, waved a hello to my landlady, Feeb, who had the apartment below mine and who was watching afternoon TV game shows as usual, receiving a spirited wave in return. I then let myself in, went up stairs, let myself in, opened a window or two to air out the place, took off the money belt, then made myself comfortable on the sofa with the telephone and my address book both near at hand.
    I called up Mom. The