You Suck: A Love Story

the mustache. Anyway, we were there like ten minutes, and this song came on that I really like-“Boning You in the Ossuary,” by Dead Can Dub-which is so cool and macabre. And I tried to get Jared to dance, but this guy comes by and grabs Jared’s cape and says, “Blacks fade much?” and that was it. Jared went into a level-five freak-out, and turned into a total fuckwit, trying to get me to hide him and stuff, and then just saying he couldn’t take it any more and he had to go home and redye right then. So he abandoned me to the dank loneliness that is the night and I bought a bottle of water and some chips and got ready to grieve my lost youth, when HE showed up. OMG!
    Check it, he actually knew Byron and Shelley! He used to party with them inSwitzerland when they were all young. They all did laudanum and read ghost stories and stuff, and then they actually invented Goth, right there in this villa on some lake. He is like THE SOURCE! He took me for coffee and I wanted to give myself to him right there in Starbucks. Lily will be totally jealous.
    So he said I have to wait. He is connected to some ancient Celtic vampire countess and I’m supposed to find them an apartment in the morning. He even gave me the name of a rental agent to call and a big wad of cash. I have to prove myself worthy of his trust, otherwise there’s like no way he’ll bestow the dark gift on me, and I’ll totally have to finish my sophomore year and probably end up in junior college or working at Old Navy or something.
    So, since we’re off for Christmas break, I’m going to call this woman and go find an apartment for the vampyre Flood and the Celtic vampyre countess. And when Flood rises from the grave at sunset, I will get my reward.
    I’m totally freaked about meeting the Celtic vampyre countess. Flood says she has a temper. What if she hates me? Flood says he’s not really into her-it’s not like that. It’s like, she’s his vampyre sire, and they’ve been together for like five hundred years, so, you know, they have history, and I can respect that.
    NOTE: Make sure to find out if I need to move their native soil to the new apartment before we move their coffins.
    NOTE: Do I need to have a coffin made? Is it okay if it’s purple?
    Oh yeah, my sister Ronnie has head lice.

10 – Red, White, and Blue, Not
    Necessarily in That Order
    Snow White, thought Blue.
    With the seven to look after me, and me them, I could be just like Snow White. Granted, the Animals weren’t exactly dwarves, Jeff Murray, the ex-high-school-basketball star was at least six five, and Drew, their resident pharmacologist, was pretty close to that height, but she wasn’t exactly Snow White either.
    Still, they were all kind to her, considerate, and basically respectful of her, within their limits as a bunch of pot-head punani hounds. They did seem to have a decent work ethic, were loyal, didn’t fight among themselves, and were relatively clean, as guys this age went.
    In a few days, she’d have the rest of their money, she knew it, and they knew it, but then what? It was a ton of money, to be sure, but it wasn’t fuck-you money. (Defined as having so much money that you can say “fuck you” to anyone, anywhere, anytime, and not have to worry about the consequences.) She’d have to find something to do, somewhere to go. As the possibility of her getting out of the life finally loomed large, she realized that she was going to need a new life to live, and frankly, it was scaring the hell out of her. Time isn’t kind to a girl living on her looks, and she’d already extended her sell-by date by going blue, but what now? Who knew that the future she’d been hoping for would show up with such sharp teeth. So Blue asked herself the question…
    Can a fallen Cheddar princess ofFond Du Lac make a life with seven perpetually adolescent party animals from the Bay Area? Maybe it could happen, but she had her misgivings about dwarf number seven: Clint.
    In her experience, it took a lot of work to fuck the Jesus out of a guy, and even then, he was prone to come down with a bad case of the guilts a day or two later. Not really a problem when you were
    working outcall, but if you were going to high-ho a whole pack of dwarves on a semipermanent basis, one of them having a high-maintenance, holy-ghost haunting was going to be a problem.
    “Whore ofBabylon,” Clint said as the Animals led her into the Safeway like they were presenting her at the