You Suck: A Love Story

I’m sorry I, uh, attacked you like that. I was hurt really badly and to heal I needed fresh blood. I wasn’t really in control of myself.
    It won’t happen again.”
    “No worries,” I told her. “I’m honored to be promoted. Besides, it was kind of hot.” Which it was, you know, except for the smell of burning flesh and stuff.
    And she was all, “Well, thanks for looking out for us.”
    And I was all, “Pardon, Countess, but why are we at the Safeway?” Because it’s not like we needed groceries.
    And she was all, “These guys used to work with Tommy, and one of them knows that he is, uh, one of the children of the night. I think they might know something about where he is now.”
    Then, over at the Safeway, we saw this goofy-looking guy with frizzy hair and glasses unlock the front door and let the cops out. They got in their car and the frizzy guy locked the front door behind them.
    “Showtime,” said the Countess. She zipped up her leather jacket, took a pair of sunglasses out of her jacket pocket, and put them on. She goes, “Stay back, Abby. I’ll be right back.” Then she started across the parking lot toward the Safeway, taking big strides and looking all angel of vengeance, with her red hair flying out behind her, and the lights shining down on her through the fog.
    I was like, “Oh shit!”
    She didn’t even slow down. When she got about ten feet from the front window she snatched up one of the steel-reinforced trash cans like it was made of cardboard and flung it through the window. And she just kept walking! Little cubes of safety glass rained down on her and she just walked through the front of the store like she owned it and everyone in it-which she did.
    Before I even got in the store, she was coming back around the corner, dragging the frizzy-haired guy by the throat. She threw him up against a rack of wine bottles, which shattered, spilling red all over the floor and splattering the registers and stuff.
    I was all, “Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the shit now, wigga!” (I am not inclined to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) Just then the whole crowd of guys I’d seen in the limo came running around the corner. The Countess snatched a wine bottle off the rack, and without a second of hesitation, she threw it and it hit the first guy, a tall, hippie-looking guy, right in the middle of the forehead and he went down like he was shot.
    She goes, “Back!” and they all headed back around the corner the way they came, except the hippie-looking guy, who was out cold.
    Then the Countess picked up the guy with glasses by the throat. And even though he was like a foot taller than her, she whipped him around like a rag doll until he was screaming stuff about Satan and Jesus and telling her to get behind him and shit. And the Countess was all, “Where is Tommy?”
    And he was all, “I don’t know. I don’t know.”
    And the Countess grabbed him by the hair and held his head steady against the wine rack. Real chilly, she says, “Clint, I’m going to take your right eye now. Then if you don’t tell me where Tommy is, I’m going to take your left. Ready. On three. One…Two…”
    Then he’s all, “I didn’t have anything to do with it. She’s the spawn of Satan, I told them that.”
    “Three!” goes the Countess.
    “He’s in Lash’s apartment on Northpoint. I don’t know the number.”
    And the Countess just yells “Number?” out to the whole store.
    And the black guy pops up from behind a display of Cheerios and is all, “Six ninety-three Northpoint, Apartment 301.” And one of the other guys pulls him back down.
    Then the Countess is all, “Thank you. If he’s hurt, I’ll be back.” And she throws the Clint guy through a rack of Doritos, which exploded their nacho cheesy goodness all over the place.
    Then she’s all, “Well, that’s a nice surprise.”
    And I’m all, “That Lord Flood is in an apartment on Northpoint?”
    “I didn’t think they would really know. I just didn’t know where else to start.”
    “Probably your senses attuned to Lord Flood’s presence over the eons,” I said, like a total tard.
    And she’s all, “Let’s go, Abby.”
    And I don’t know why, I guess because I had like low blood sugar or something from blood loss, but I was like, “Can I get some gum?”
    And she was all, “Sure. Grab