Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

can manage the anxiety you may feel as a result of allowing your children to go beyond that limit (otherwise, you will likely communicate that angst and they will not explore beyond it anyway). If you are unable to maintain such control, then you might just have to accept that there are some experiences that you should not engage in with your children and leave those to your spouse, who may have a larger comfort zone. Conversely, if you have an expansive comfort zone, in other words, you are a risk taker, you may need to rein in your propensity for risk, recognizing that your children lack the experience and wherewithal to manage the risk that your comfort zone allows. Of course, regardless of which way you shift the comfort zone you allow your children to have, you want to ensure that they are still generally safe.
Safe and Not Sorry
     
    You want to strike a balance in building your children’s sense of a secure world. You want them to roam as far and wide as they arecomfortable doing, and thereby gain confidence that their world is, in fact, secure. At the same time, you of course don’t want to expose them to inappropriate risk. You can start this process by allowing your children to test their limits in settings that are generally considered safe (no situation is completely risk free), for example, a large fenced-in playground or a field. Your children won’t know that they are totally safe, so they will explore as far as their comfort propels them. At the same time, because you know it is a safe environment, you won’t be anxious no matter how far they roam, and as a consequence, won’t send any messages to the contrary. The result is that your children will get the message from the world itself and from you that they are secure. As your children gain more experience, maturity, and confidence that the world is secure, you can let them explore and seek out their limits in less secure environments.
CATCHPHRASES FOR SECURITY
     
    We learned our catchphrase for security from Catie when she was learning to walk. As you know, learning to walk is a very challenging experience for children, perhaps their biggest to date, and there are a lot of trips and falls, scraped knees, and tears along the way. When Catie would fall down, like every parent out there, we would immediately run to her to be sure she was okay and comfort her if she was hurt (which she usually wasn’t). We intervened even before there were any messages from her that she needed help! Then, one day Sarah and I observed a similar situation at a playground in which a little girl fell down and her mother came racing to her screaming as if her daughter had been run over by a truck. We looked at each other and realized that could easily be us.
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    CATCHPHRASES FOR SECURITY
     
“I’m okay!”
“I’m here for you.”
“Safe and sound.”
Scale of “bonkness.”
“Hold it!”
“Family forever.”
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    The next time we were out for a walk with Catie, she, as usual, fell down. But instead of rushing to her, we just waited a few seconds. And in those brief moments, our catchphrase was born. Catie got to her knees and announced to us, “I’m okay!” From that day forward, whenever Catie or Gracie did something that could hurt them, for example, tripping or falling off a chair, we let them tell us if they were hurt and whether they needed us. More often than not, no damage was done, and they would let us know with an “I’m okay!” On the occasions when bruises were sustained or blood was spilled, our girls let us know, usually with a cry for help or tears, and we would go to them and calmly and supportively provide the comfort that they asked for. If they didn’t say anything at first, we took this as an essential moment when they were figuring out if they were okay. Children are, after all, the best judges of their own well-being, but they need these sorts of experiences, and time to assess their own condition, to hone these capabilities. By rushing to them, especially in a panicked state, you deprive your children of the opportunity to figure out their state of well-being on their own.
    Even in situations where there was potential risk, we empowered our girls to decide for themselves when they had left their comfort zone and wanted our support. For example, Catie and Gracie love to walk on a stone wall in our front yard (with a four-foot drop to the street!). We made a rule that they couldn’t walk on it unless we were there to spot them.