Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

daughter can always count on their family to love and support them.
ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR SECURITY
     
    Getting lost may be the most disturbing experience that precipitates feelings of insecure attachment, self, and world in your children. It encompasses every bad message about insecurity: I can’t trust my parents, I’m not capable, and the world is a dangerousplace. As a consequence, we prepared Catie and Gracie for their first forays into the world beyond Sarah and me with several routines and rituals.
    We set reasonable boundaries far beyond any that we expected them to exceed. These boundaries, for example, the sidewalk across the field or the top of a hill on a hiking trail, sent them the message that we were aware of and ultimately in control of their journey. We also told them that they always had to be in our sight, sending the message that we could respond to their needs immediately. Finally, as they moved away from us, we made sure that, when they looked back at us, we made eye contact with them and offered a smile, reassuring nod, or wave, communicating the message that we were attentive to their security.
    Bob and Maria loved taking their three children to carnivals, amusement parks, concerts, and the like. But because they were “playing a man down” (i.e., outnumbered by their children), they were always worried about losing one of them. During one visit to a county fair, their worst nightmare was briefly realized; their middle boy wandered off and was lost for about fifteen minutes, the worst quarter hour of their lives. Fortunately, a concerned parent, who noticed him lost and crying, comforted and waited with him until Bob found them. After they concluded that keeping their children on leashes wasn’t realistic, Bob and Maria decided to figure out a way to make getting lost less scary for their children. Maria’s initial reaction was to tell their children to ask the nearest adult for help. But, while searching online for more information, she came across an article that warned against this approach because not all adults could be trusted. The writer recommended that children should ask for help from an adult with children or an adult in uniform, for example, a police officer or an employee with a badge. From that point forward, when they arrived at an event, Bob and Maria established the routine of pointing out people their children could turn to if they got lost. Bob even had the idea of writing his andMaria’s names and mobile-phone numbers on cards and putting them in their children’s pockets. Then, if they got lost, they could hand the information to an adult who could call Bob or Maria and tell them how to find their lost child. These strategies not only gave their children a greater sense of security, but allowed Bob and Maria to relax a bit more, too. Of course, their first goal was not to lose their children at all!
    Debbie wanted to ensure that her two sons, Kenny and Jed, felt secure enough in themselves to be proactive if they got lost. She started a bedtime routine when they were each around three years old that involved singing songs to help them memorize their address and her phone number: “My name is Kenny (Jed) Smith. This is my address. 421 West Hill Road. Green Valley, California.” and “My name is Kenny (Jed) Smith. This is my telephone. XXX-XXX-XXXX.” (I changed the address to protect their privacy). Within six months, both boys knew the ditty by heart, and Debbie felt confident that if her sons got lost, they could tell someone how to find her.
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    CATCHPHRASES FOR RITUALS FOR SECURITY
     
Set reasonable limits for exploration.
Keep your children in sight.
Be available for eye contact.
If lost, have your children ask for help from a parent or person in uniform.
Give your children a card with your contact information.
Have your children memorize their name, address, and phone number.
Create safety rituals, e.g., holding a stair railing.
Sing songs with messages of security.
Use hugs and physical contact to foster a sense of safety.
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    Rita and Sam associate the catchphrase “Hold it!” with the routine of their daughter Emmy always having to hold onto either the railing or their hand when ascending or descending the stairs. In fact, Rita and Sam have made it a family routine in which they, too, have to use the catchphrase and abide by the rule. So Emmy gets this message of security through many conduits including thecatchphrase, the routine, seeing her