Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

your children. Your strategy may backfire because when you push children who are not ready beyond their comfort zone, they may feel more discomfort and fear, which may cause them to be even more reluctant to venture forth in the future.
    It’s better to create opportunities in which they can still explore, but also ensure their perceived security and comfort in the process. For example, you can have them initially venture out with a sibling. Or have your children walk between you and another family member who is some distance from you, thus distracting them from who they are leaving and focusing them on who they are going to. You can also give them a specific goal to pursue, for example, climbing a boulder at the park, which takes their focus away from leaving you (thereby not triggering fear of separation) and directs it toward something positive that they want (thus producing positive emotions such as curiosity and excitement). Some children like to learn the lay of the land before they go off on their own, so you can go with them the first few times they embark on an adventure. You can also set an intermediary goal that is more manageable, such as having them climb only halfway up a hill and touch a rock while you wait at the bottom. As they become more comfortable with these “assisted” explorations and gain confidence in the security of their world, they will probably choose to expand their comfort zone on their own.
    When you allow your children to become the first arbiters of their own sense of security for themselves and the world, you send them several messages and don’t send several others. The first message is that they can trust you to be there when you are needed (secure attachment). The second message you send is that you trust your children to take care of themselves in most situations and to tell you when they need you (secure self). The third message is that you will respond to them in a manner that is consistent and proportional to the situation (secure world). The messages you don’t send your children are those grounded in your own baggage, be it your well-intentioned, though misguided, desire to protect them, or your own fear and panic.
Push Your Own Limits
     
    Awareness of your own perceptions about whether we live in a secure or insecure world is essential to ensuring that you send the right messages to your children. You know you have “baggage” related to security when your children go beyond your comfort zone and you feel that twinge of anxiety or spike of fear consume you (assuming that most people would agree that your comfort zone isn’t very big and doesn’t even remotely expose your children to any danger). If you can recognize those feelings for what they are, namely, your issues, you will be better prepared to resist your protective urges and send your children messages that will encourage them to find their own limits.
    The challenge for you involves determining your own natural comfort zone for allowing your children to explore. That zone is dictated by your inborn temperament, your perceptions about how secure the world is based on your own experiences growing up, and where you lie on the continuum from risk taker to risk averse. And, if you allow yourself to, you will send messages to your children about where that comfort zone is. If your children’s inborn comfort zones are smaller than yours, then you will probably just reinforcethose limits and possibly prevent your children from extending those limits through experience. If their limits are farther than yours, then your comfort zone may act as a leash, restraining them from broadening their already more expansive comfort zones. In either case, you may inhibit your children from finding their own comfort zones, based on their own innate temperaments and experiences, and instead cause them to adopt yours because of the messages you are sending them.
    To bolster your children’s confidence, comfort, and willingness to take appropriate risks, I recommend that you first determine where your natural comfort zone lies. If yours is quite small and you typically react with anxiety and reluctance when your children approach the boundaries of your comfort zone, then it will be helpful for you to understand why you have such a reaction and see if you can keep those feelings in check. Then, for the benefit of your children, you should make an effort to extend your comfort zone just a little farther. But only do so if you