Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

their need. When it is not a crisis, then she wants to send the message that she isn’t always at her kids’ beck and call and that some of their so-called needs can wait. Myra realizes that when she responds to her children in ways that are out of proportion to their needs, she ends up sending them very different messages (e.g., messages of fear or that they always come first) that can undermine rather than bolster their attachment to her.
    Be loving. Before their daughter Kaylie was born, Ike and Lisa heard a great lecture about attachment, the central message of which was that love is children’s most basic emotional need and lies at the heart of secure attachment. So Ike and Lisa were going to make sure that they gave Kaylie plenty of love to attach to. When they express their love to their daughter through their words and emotions, they believe they are giving her something to which she can metaphorically “attach.” When they express that love through their hugs, kisses, and touches, Ike and Lisa give Kaylie something to which she can literally attach. And when they not only meet some other need, be it fear or hunger, but do so with love, they give her a double dose of the magical elixir that creates secure attachment.
    Be close. Rene and Todd made close physical contact a part of their family life. They both worked full time and Rene only took two months of maternity leave, so they worried from day one that their three daughters, now ages nine, five, and three, wouldn’t bond with them because they were in childcare so much. Therefore, when they were together, Rene and Todd “wore” their children constantly (with the Baby Björn and Ergo baby carriers, early on, and then in backpacks, in their arms, and on their shoulders as they got older). Rene and Todd were big fans of attachment parenting, and all three girls have slept with them for most of their lives (they even bought a California king bed so everyone could be comfortable).
Secure-Self Activities
     
    Activities that encourage children’s development of a secure self involve anything that reinforces their sense of competence and control over themselves and their lives. Such pursuits can be organized, such as sports or arts classes, or informal, such as puzzles and games at home. They can also include household activities, such as chores, cooking and baking, and yard work. You can also incorporate secure-self experiences into your children’s routines by allowing them to make decisions about when and how they fulfill their daily tasks. For example, they can decide in what order they want to complete their bedtime routine, what they want for lunch, or what they want to wear to school.
    One of the most important secure-self activities in which we got both of our girls involved early on was swimming. By having Catie and Gracie learn to swim as early as possible, not only have we sent a powerful message about their competence and control over themselves in a relatively unnatural setting, namely, the water, but we also have taught them an essential skill that may save their lives (drowning is the second leading cause of death among children twelve and under). Plus, swimming is just plain fun for children.
    Dave is an absolute sports fanatic. He loves playing and watching sports. And he wanted his daughter, Patrice, to feel the same way. So from the time she was in a crib, he surrounded her with every kind of ball imaginable (okay, not a rugby or cricket ball, but most other kinds of balls). As soon as she could walk, Dave had her kicking soccer balls, throwing baseballs, and swinging at golf and tennis balls. When Patrice turned three, she took her first soccer class and now, at seven, is playing in a soccer league coached by, you guessed it, her dad. And, happily for Dave, Patrice absolutely loves sports (go figure).
Secure World Activities
     
    Any activity that enables children to explore their world and expand their comfort zone geographically, socially, physically, and emotionally will help instill their sense of a secure world. Open spaces—parks, beaches, museums, or mountain trails—give children the opportunity to expand their geographical comfort zone. Camps, playdates, and school allow children to experience and master social discomfort. And physical pursuits, such as playing on play structures, climbing boulders on a mountain, riding bikes, and going on hikes, can extend their physical comfort zones. All of these activities help