Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

children to explore their emotional comfort zone, allowing them to experience, for example, fear, frustration, and disappointment. These activities send the additional message of a secure self because they enhance children’s feelings of competence and control over their bodies and the world.
    We love taking our girls to parks and watching them explore away from us. Catie, from when she first became mobile, would go quite a distance from us, but always kept in frequent eye contact. She also seemed to intuitively know when she had gone far enough, and often, just when we felt she was getting too far away for our comfort, she’d come to the same conclusion and begin her return journey back to us. Gracie, in turn, was more cautious, often askingus to go with her the first few times she ventured out. But once she gained familiarity with a particular setting, for example, a park or playground, there was no holding her back.
    Barb had always been shy and uncomfortable with people, and it had caused her a lot of problems in her life. She figured this was so because both of her parents were introverts with few friends. But she didn’t want her son, Richie, to be held back socially. Barb had read that, though shyness was genetic, life experiences could moderate the impact of this aspect of a child’s temperament; in other words, Richie wasn’t doomed to a life of shyness and social discomfort. So she began to expand his social comfort zone within months of his birth. It started with playdates and childcare at the gym at which she exercised. As Richie developed, Barb took him to parties, concerts, and sports events just so he could be around a lot of people. She also taught him to smile and say hello and good-bye to everyone he met. When Richie was ready for preschool, she enrolled him in one with a small class size his first year so he wouldn’t be overwhelmed, but then transferred him to another preschool with a larger class, so he would become comfortable in large groups in preparation for kindergarten. Now in first grade, Richie shows initial signs of shyness when he joins a group (the apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree), but in a short time he is right in the mix with the other children—thanks, Barb believes, to her early efforts to enlarge his social comfort zone.

PART III
I Like Others
     

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Message #4: Compassion Is Your Child’s Hands (“Sharing Is Caring”)
     
    Think of all of the qualities that you admire most in others and that you would most like to instill in your children. My guess is that compassion is high on your list. Why is that? Perhaps because compassion is such a rare gem—a diamond that stands out in our society, where selfishness and disregard for others are as common as rhinestones.
    Consider what compassion is. Most fundamentally, it is “not about me.” Compassion involves being aware of and caring about the needs of others. It means wanting to help others who are less fortunate than you. Compassion has so many other wonderful attributes associated with it, for example, benevolence, goodwill, selflessness, and empathy, just to name a few. If these qualities were ingredients to be mixed and baked, you would have the recipe for about as fine a person as you could imagine.
    We are assured by experts that compassion is hardwired into all human beings because such qualities help us to become functioning members of society. But, if you’re like Sarah and me, you would swear that children are born without an ounce of compassion in them; when children are young, they only seem to care about themselves. We are also told by development experts that egocentrism isa stage through which all children pass, but which they will inevitably outgrow. But for parents, that knowledge is little solace when they see their children seemingly incapable even of concern for others, much less compassion in any form. How often have you had this exchange with your children? You: “Please be kind to your brother.” Child: “No, I won’t” (he says stubbornly). You: “Please be kind to your brother” (said with increasing frustration). Child: “I won’t, I won’t, I won’t” (said with angry finality). You: “You will be kind to your brother or else.” Definitely not the best way to send a message of compassion to your children, I’m sure you would agree.
    If you follow the science of genetics, you know that just because a trait is genetically transmitted from parent to child doesn’t