Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

importantly, themselves.
    Unfortunately, teaching respect to your children can feel like an uphill battle in today’s popular culture. NFL star Terrell Owens does his outrageous touchdown dances.
American Idol’s
Simon Cowell humiliates well-intentioned—if untalented—singers. Hip-hop artists demean women in their music. There is no shortage of forcesin popular culture that counter your efforts to send your children healthy messages about respect. It can sometimes feel as if you’re being overwhelmed by an onslaught of messages of disrespect.
RESPECT FOR YOU
     
    The reality is that you have an immense impact on your children, particularly in those early years before they become fully immersed in the social world. That influence initially comes from their absolute dependence on you for all of their needs. But as your children develop, they are increasingly able to rely on themselves to get their needs met without you—so your influence on them is based less on need and more on love and respect. And even when other influences such as peers and popular culture gain a foothold in your children’s psyches, you can still have a significant influence on them, but only if you maintain their respect for you.
    The challenge, of course, is figuring out how you can earn that respect from your children. The operative word here is “earn.” Respect can’t be forced, cajoled, or bribed. Respect that is forced is called fear, and all you get for it is obedience and anger. But once your children gain sufficient power to no longer fear you, you lose control of them. Plus, your relationship with them will probably be over. Respect that is cajoled out of children is not respect at all because, by cajoling, you hand your power over to your children. They realize that you need their respect more than they want to give it, so they are now in the position to use their respect as a tool to manipulate and control you. Respect that is gained through bribery isn’t respect at all, but obedience for a price. The problem is that, again, because your children gain the power in the relationship, they can up the ante on their incentives whenever they want.
    The only way to establish respect in your relationship with your children is for them to value the role you play in their lives by meeting their many and diverse needs. This requires that your childrensees that you are willing and able to meet their needs and that their best interests are your priority. If they sense that you are acting in their best interests, even if they don’t like it, your children are going to respect your actions and likely follow accordingly. In contrast, if they decide that your actions are in your own best interests and that you relegate their concerns to a lower priority, they are not going to respect you and will likely resist your wishes.
ROLE-MODEL RESPECT
     
    The old adage “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” never grows old and is an essential tool for communicating messages of respect to your children. You can role-model respect in several ways. Because “do as I say, not as I do” just doesn’t work, you should treat your children in the respectful way that you would like them to treat you and others, but being respectful of children is sometimes easier said than done. They can really “push your buttons” and bring out the worst in you; you’re sometimes going to get frustrated and angry with them.
    As parents, you must at times be tough on your children—for example, requiring that they complete a chore to which they are resistant or holding them responsible for their bad behavior. But being tough doesn’t mean being cruel, angry, and demeaning. Rather, it involves holding your children to expectations of appropriate behavior. And that can be done in a respectful way, though it is easy to go to the “dark side” of disrespect, particularly when you are tired, stressed, or rushed, or when your children are being really disrespectful or uncooperative.
    This is the juncture that should separate you from your children. When they are being obstinate and disrespectful, you should continue to treat them with both respect and firmness. As difficult as it sometimes is, this means continuing to be loving and calm, and listening and responding to their messages to you so that they get themessage of respect that you are communicating to them. At the same time, by holding your ground and providing appropriate consequences for