Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

takes time to earn, but can be lost with one bad act.
BATTLES OF WILL
     
    Whether your children learn the value of respect also depends on how you handle the inevitable conflicts that the two of you will have as they move through childhood. Conflict is a natural part of the parent-child relationship and is essential to your children’s separation from you into independent beings. The challenge is not to avoid having occasional conflicts with your children, because conflicts are inevitable and healthy. Rather, it is to keep conflicts from devolving into full-scale wars that fuel disrespect and enmity and drive you and your children apart, so that you lose your ability to send positive messages to them.
    Battles of will always involve two messages. The first message relates to the specific area of contention. For example, not long ago, Catie was quite adamant about wanting to wear white tights on ahike, clearly not a good choice for an experience that will inevitably result in dirty clothing. Sarah told her that she couldn’t and stood firm in the face of quite strong opposition to her decision (otherwise known as a tantrum!). There were several messages that Catie needed to get from this almost-confrontation. First, clothes have degrees of appropriateness for different situations. Second, she can’t expect to get what she wants when she is disrespectful of her mother and throws a tantrum. And third, a meta-message that there are some decisions we will make that she simply must abide by.
    Early in your children’s lives, you may enter these battles of will unwittingly. It’s sometimes easier to surrender and allow your children to win out of embarrassment or fatigue. In public, your children will try to win by embarrassing you in front of others. For example, when you and your children are in a store and they want a balloon that is conspicuously displayed, you say no several times, but they start screaming. Just to quiet them down as others look on disapprovingly, you give in and give them the balloon. Without realizing it, you are sending your children several unhealthy messages. First, that they can be disrespectful of you and get their way. Second, that they can get what they want simply by being loud and persistent.
    There will also be days when you are thoroughly exhausted and just don’t have the energy to “put your foot down.” So you give in to their demands. The meta-message here is that all your children need to do is keep an eye out for when you are tired, and then they can get whatever they want.
    Though losing these battles of will may be easiest for you at the time, the messages such incidents convey to your children are definitely not in their best interests in the long run. If they learn that they can get what they want by nagging you, they will learn a painful lesson when they grow up—namely, that stubbornness and tantrums don’t work for adults. Instead, if you handle these battles of will well, your children will receive important messages about respect for your authority, self-control, and consideration of others that will serve them well in adulthood.
    You have the power to avoid or control battles of will with your children. Battles of will require two participants. If you don’t join the fray, battles can’t be fought. So pick your battles wisely. Many battles can seem really important at the time and motivate you to dig in your heels and fight to the finish, but, in retrospect, aren’t worth the fight and do more harm than good. When you’re faced with the opportunity to get into a battle of wills, ask yourself how important it really is, considering the specific issue at hand and the meta-message that might underlie the battle. A benefit to not engaging in some battles of will with your children is that the occasional victory lets them know that you respect them and that they have some control over their lives. When you cede victory before the battle has begun, you send them the message that you respect them enough to allow them to win sometimes. Of course, they don’t realize that you have let them win. And you shouldn’t tell them!
    But when you do decide to take a stand, remain steadfast. Send the message clearly that your children won’t get what they want no matter what they do (“No means no!”), and especially if they continue to be disrespectful. If you’re in a public place, remember that every parent faces these challenges, and when you stand your ground, those