Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

relationship with them. And you are certainly free to become friends with your children when they grow up. But, for now, your children want and need you to be their parents.
    Why shouldn’t you be friends with your children? Children have equal power with their peers, yet parents and children should not share power. Parents have to do things that friends wouldn’t do; friends don’t tell friends to bring their dishes to the sink, and friends don’t tell friends to take out the garbage. Yet parents need to do precisely that.
    Despite their frequent protestations, your children don’t want you to be their friends. When I ask children how they feel about being friends with their parents, they look at me as if I’m from another planet. Your children don’t want to be friends with you. Why? Because you’re not hip (and if you use the word “hip,” you’re definitely not hip!). It’s just not in their mind-set to be friends with their parents. You’re their
parents
!
    Your children also need you to be their parents. These days, kids as young as seven, six, and even five look, dress, act, and talk like little adults, but the reality is that they are still children without the experience, maturity, or skills to feel safe in their world. Your children need to know that there is someone in their lives who will protect them from the big, scary world in which they live (of course, they would never admit that to you!). When children are friends with their parents, they have equal status and power. Because thereis no one in their family who is more powerful than they, children live in a state of fear because they’re not ready to take on the world alone. When you’re a parent, you show your children that you’re there to protect them when needed. This position affords them the security and comfort to explore freely as they navigate their world. Also, when you maintain an authoritative parent-child relationship, you send them meta-messages about respect in other nonequitable relationships they will encounter as they progress through life, including teacher-student and boss-employee.
    And amazingly, when you are their parents you send another meta-message, that you love them and are willing to do whatever it takes to keep them safe, happy, and flourishing. And, contrary to the messages that popular culture may be sending you, your children will actually love and respect you more for putting their needs first. They may not thank you now, but I’m confident that they will thank you later.
MAINTAIN POWER
     
    “Maintain power” sounds like such a draconian phrase, as if I were suggesting that you lock your children in their rooms at night or put them on leashes when you leave the house. To the contrary, when applied in the way I describe, maintaining power is all about respect. When you maintain power over your children, you communicate the message to them that you’re in charge and it is a good thing for them. You communicate messages of respect to your children by making your children’s best interests your number-one priority and by doing what you need to do to ensure their safety and well-being. And you convey to your children that you deserve and expect respect from them.
    When you maintain power you aren’t utterly dictatorial, but rather strike a balance between setting reasonable expectations for your children and giving them the appropriate freedom they needto develop on their own. You must establish unambiguous expectations and make the consequences of transgressions clear to your children. You need to follow through firmly and consistently when your children demonstrate disrespect to you, others, or themselves. You express respect for your children when you are flexible in your use of power by allowing them to participate in family decisions. In turn, they show you respect by ultimately allowing you to make the final decision on what is best for them.
    You also exhibit respect for your children by giving them opportunities to earn more respect and trust. However, if they violate the respect you’ve given them, they must be held accountable. Your children must get the message that with earned respect comes responsibility and that if they are not responsible, your respect—and their independence—will be lost. Inevitably, your children will periodically abuse the respect you show them; that’s just part of being young. What’s important is that they get the message from these experiences that respect