Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

responsibilities of adulthood.
GIVE RESPONSIBILITY
     
    The only way for your children to get the message of responsibility is for you to give them responsibility. These messages can focus on responsibility for themselves, for example, taking care of theirphysical health and well-being, putting effort into their studies, and taking care of their belongings. The messages can emphasize your children’s responsibilities as contributing members of your family through chores you assign them, for example, clearing the dinner table and keeping their rooms clean.
    Your messages can communicate your children’s responsibilities as citizens of the local community and the world at large; examples include participating in school activities, doing charitable work, and demonstrating environmental stewardship. Think about all of the different aspects of your children’s lives that they will need to take responsibility for in the coming years and into adulthood. You can begin to prepare them for the rigors of adult life by giving them age-appropriate responsibilities and expanding their “quiver” of responsibilities as their maturity and capabilities warrant.
EXPECTATIONS AND CONSEQUENCES
     
    The best way to send messages of responsibility to your children is through expectations and consequences. When you establish expectations and consequences for responsibility, you convey the message that responsibility is important and that you are counting on your children to live up to that standard. By holding your children to these expectations, you are communicating the meta-message that meeting expectations is also of essential value. For example, when you establish an expectation that your children will make their chores a priority over play, you are sending a message on the importance of responsibility. They can choose to meet the expectations and reap the benefits (e.g., your approval, the good feelings associated with accomplishing responsibilities, increased responsibility and freedom) or fail to fulfill the expectation and accept the consequences (e.g., your disapproval, feeling bad for neglecting their responsibilities, reduced responsibility and freedom).
    To maximize the strength of your messages on responsibility for your children:
     
• Explain to them what responsibility is and why it is important
• Be specific in your expectations of responsibility (e.g., “We expect you to clean up your room before bedtime)
• Encourage them to give their input on your expectations and consider modifying the expectations based on their feedback. The more involvement, buy-in, and ownership they have, the more likely it is that they will take responsibility and satisfy the expectations.
    Early in your children’s lives, they won’t understand the inherent value of fulfilling their responsibilities and meeting your expectations. Rather, they will or won’t follow them based on the consequences that you attach, most commonly your approval or disapproval. As they mature and come to understand the meaning of responsibility, they will internalize your messages and follow them because they accept them as their own. Two mistakes that many parents make are:
     
• Not attaching reasonable consequences to the expectations they place on their children
• Not following through consistently on the consequences they do put in place.
    The consequences can be implicit in your expectations (e.g., “If you don’t clear the table, we will be very disappointed in you”) or explicit (e.g., “If you don’t make your bed, you’ll have to do a timeout”). These consequences provide your children with the initial impetus to meet your expectations and complete their responsibilities. Though I can’t give you specific consequences that you should have for your children—consequences can be idiosyncratic to your family and each of your children—they should be aversiveenough for your children to want to adhere to your expectations, but not so severe as to cause them to become angry and resistant because they view them as unfair. Consequences that induce boredom are motivating because children don’t like being bored. You can take away something that is valuable to them, for example, a favorite toy, and then allow them to earn it back by doing their job. This opportunity further instills a sense of ownership of their actions because, just as they chose to violate the expectation, they also have the power to meet the expectation—and gain its