Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

children who want what they want when they want it and can dig in their heels and resist with all their might anything they don’t want to do. As soon as their three children could understand them, Ron and Georgia explained what cooperation was and gave them many examples, such as everyone working together to get dinner ready or pack up for a weekend away. They even found a “secret strategy” that seemed to work with their three kids. When they wanted their children’s cooperation, for instance, in getting them ready for bed, Ron and Georgia would “prime” them by asking beforehand if they will cooperate. Their children almost always say yes, after which Ron and Georgia ask if they promise to cooperate. Again, they say yes. Ron and Georgia find that, when they prime the pump, their kids are usually cooperative. It’s almost as if, because they promised to cooperate before being actually faced with the prospect of cooperation, the children feel more compelled to follow through.
    Ellen and Kristo want to send their two girls, Angie and Allie, two messages: the message that there are responsibilities they have to do in a timely manner, and also the message to do them well. Ellen and Kristo hope that this message will carry over to their school and work lives when Angie and Allie got older. Their catchphrase, “Do it now, do it well,” is intended to instill pride in their daughters for fulfilling their responsibilities when they are supposed to and to the best of their ability. Ellen and Kristo are realistic enough to realize that their girls will not always do their chores promptly and well, but they find that with the constant messaging, Angie and Allie are not only mostly doing their chores when told, but also doing them as well as can be expected. After the girls do their jobs, Ellen and Kristo always say, “You did it and you did it well!” (with a lot of enthusiasm and with big smiles on their faces).
    Carly and Jake saw it happening after almost every dinner. Their son and daughter would finish eating and immediately run off to play, even though they had jobs to do. So to prevent this behavior from becoming a habit, they created the catchphrase, “Work first, play later.” When dinner was about to conclude, they would say the catchphrase to remind their kids that they had jobs to do before they were free to play. Carly and Jake also used “Work first, play later” during their children’s bedtime routine to keep them focused when they wanted to engage in horseplay and jump on their beds.
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    ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR RESPONSIBILITY
     
Make a job chart.
Have structured bedtime routine.
Assign ready-for-school jobs.
Give responsibility for school lunch.
Create “family rhythm” with assigned jobs.
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    Erin believes that part of being responsible is making good decisions, so her catchphrase for her son Ross is “Listen to your conscience.” She explained to him that his conscience is that little voice in his head that helps him choose the right thing to do. WheneverRoss didn’t feel like doing his chores, Erin would ask him what his conscience was telling him to do. He would stand quietly as if really listening to a voice in his head, and more often than not, make the right decision and fulfill his responsibilities.
ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR RESPONSIBILITY
     
    Catie and Gracie, like most children, love stickers, beads, and assorted other tchotchkes, and they love being rewarded for their efforts at just about anything. Over the years, we’ve used all kinds of “incentive” systems to motivate our girls to fulfill their responsibilities. When Catie turned four years old, we bought her a magnetic job chart to help her keep track of her daily responsibilities (you can also get creative and make a job chart by hand and use stickers as rewards). The job chart provided many different options for responsibilities from which to choose, for example, Say Please and Thank You, Take Out Trash, Brush Teeth, and Share. One of Catie’s responsibilities has been to select the jobs that she wants to tackle. Recently, her choices have included Be Kind, Put Toys Away, Get Dressed and Make Bed (before breakfast), Stop Whining, Show Respect, Put Clothes Away (before bed). Every night as part of her bedtime routine, she has to place a magnet next to each job that she completed that day. For each responsibility, we ask her to recall a specific way that she did that job. For example, one of her