Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

or just sheer stubbornness, there will likely be times when your children, in the most vociferous ways, resist your demands that they complete their responsibilities. And these are battles that you must win if you are to clearly communicate messages of responsibility to your children. This hard-line stance can be frustrating and exhausting at times because children can be obstinate, and they generally don’t tire as easily as parents do. They figure they can win these battles simply by attrition. But if you allow them to win these battles, they will get the message that responsibility is not that important and that they only have to be responsible when it is easy and convenient, or when they feel like it (and that is definitely notthe way things work in the adult world). You must be resolute; simply don’t give in, even if it means a lot of nagging, tears, and time. If you can remain firm and send those messages of responsibility consistently, your children will, in time, get the message and accept the responsibilities as their own.
    At the same time, you should be flexible in letting your children choose (within limits) when they can do some of their jobs. For example, you can ask your children in what order they would like to do their bedtime routine. Or you can allow them to clean up their bedroom after they’ve had a chance to play for a little while. This strategy can reduce resistance (and tantrums!) because your children feel like they just won a battle (when, in fact, you handed them the victory) and had a choice with the job. In a way, you’re tricking them into doing the job, but that’s what happens when you pit a clever parent against naïve children. Hey, all’s fair in love and family!
    There are also going to be times when your children are just too tired or just not in a place where they can fulfill their responsibilities. When this happens, you can either help them do their jobs or actually do their jobs for them. You can send several meta-messages of responsibility by being flexible in these situations. One meta-message is that families support each other and can work together to get their jobs done. Another meta-message is that being rigid is a bad thing and being flexible is a good thing. Still another meta-message is that you are sensitive and responsive to your children’s needs.
DON’T MICROMANAGE
     
    You have to micromanage your children’s lives when they are young for the simple reason that they are entirely incapable of taking responsibility for themselves. As babies, they can’t get around, feed themselves, or change their diapers on their own. But, by two years old, children are remarkably capable of taking responsibility formuch of their lives, and that ability increases exponentially as they mature. The problem is that you may have a difficult time making the shift from micromanager to manager for several reasons. If you dwell on how little your children could do in the past, you may not recognize all that they are capable of in the present. You just become accustomed to doing things for your children and continue doing so out of habit. It is also usually easier for you to take care of things yourself; you can do what needs to be done faster and more easily—for example when getting your children dressed in the morning. But when you retain responsibility for your children past that point when it is necessary, you send them several meta-messages, including that they aren’t capable of taking responsibility and that they don’t need to take responsibility for themselves.
    As your children mature, they become increasingly competent at micromanaging themselves, but aren’t yet fully capable of managing their own lives. That is the point at which you must gradually move from micromanaging to managing, in which you oversee the big-picture parts of their lives, for example, establishing boundaries and assisting in decision making. If you continue to usurp your children’s responsibilities past the point at which it is beneficial to them, you may hurt their ability in the long term to manage their lives in several ways. Your children won’t gain the experience necessary to become more skilled at managing their own lives. They may come to see your micromanaging as an intrusion on their lives and begin to resent you for your efforts. And the longer you micromanage their lives, the more you stunt their development and make it less likely they will be prepared for the