After the Fall

Tsarina and put her away for the evening, the conversation kept replaying in my head.
    Though everything had been amazing since we’d gotten back together, I’d never been able to shake the uneasiness in the back of my mind that it wouldn’t last. That while he loved me, and everything was perfect now, the fact remained that I was in love with a flight risk, and that terrified me. That we were walking a delicate line, just waiting for something on the horizon to catch his eye.
    And with that offhand comment, he’d nudged me off-balance. He’d jarred that delicate line beneath my feet. Maybe it had just been an idle comment. Making conversation and nothing more. Not opening the gate to a deeper discussion about where we were going—or not going—and how willing he was to stay here.
    Whatever he meant by it, it kept needling me, so as we walked out of the barn, I cleared my throat. “So, um, do you really want to get a horse of your own?”
    Ryan shrugged. “I was thinking about it.”
    “Seriously?”
    He nodded.
    We kept walking, but then he glanced at me. “Is, um, something wrong?”
    I stopped. So did he. After a moment, I faced him. “I guess I’m wondering . . .” I hesitated, swallowing hard. “You’re talking about horses and . . .” Another moment’s hesitation. “But what happens if you get one, and then decide you’ve had enough of Tucker Springs?”
    Ryan smiled and cupped my face in one hand. “Then I guess we’ll have to get our hands on a two-horse trailer, won’t we?” Before I could respond, he kissed me. When he broke the kiss, his expression turned serious. “I want to stay here. I want to be with you.”
    Part of me wanted to take that at face value and be happy with the answer, but deep down, I knew it couldn’t be that simple. “But what if you do get restless?”
    “Then we can travel. Together.”
    I didn’t let myself rest too much hope on that. “Except, I guess, I’m kind of afraid we have the truck keys of Damocles hanging over us.”
    Ryan nodded. “I understand that. And it’s hard to explain why this is different, and why you don’t need to worry about me running.”
    “Try me,” I said.
    His eyes lost focus for a second. Then they met mine. “Listen, I’ve been out on the road off and on for years, and for the first time, I don’t feel like there’s anything out there that’s worth seeing if it means leaving behind what I have here. I don’t want to leave you behind.” He once again lost focus, but after a moment, he went on. “No place has ever been ‘home.’ I don’t know what it’s like to feel that way about a place, whether it’s a city or a house or whatever.” Running his fingers down the side of my cheek, he whispered, “All I know is I feel like I’m home when I’m with you.”
    Words completely failed me. Hell, breathing failed me. I stared at him, trying to make sense of what he’d said, of what it meant.
    “I love you, Nathan,” he said. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
    “I love you too. You know I don’t want to tie you down, though. If you want—”
    “I don’t.” He drew me in and, right before our lips met again, whispered, “I’m here with you because I want to be.”
    As we wrapped our arms around each other, my fear and apprehension melted away. Just like the first moment back in the saddle, I relaxed. I couldn’t predict the future, but I wasn’t afraid of it anymore.
    After all, the future was anyone’s guess. If watching Brad and Jeff had taught me anything, it was that nothing—neither the success of a great relationship nor the collapse of a failing one—was certain. And every relationship I’d ever had had felt like it was on a collision course with disaster, that around the next turn was an abrupt drop-off. Like it was going ninety miles an hour toward its own smoking crater.
    Now that Ryan had laid it all out and told me how he felt, I didn’t feel that way about him. That nagging fear was gone.
    Anything could happen. We could go down in flames like millions of well-intentioned couples did. But I was optimistic for the first time. The future was wide open in front of us, a distant horizon at the end of a long strip of highway. Maybe we’d pull this thing off, maybe we wouldn’t, but deep down, I was sure we could get this right.
    If the day came when Ryan needed to ride off into the sunset, then he would.
    And I’d be right beside him.

A Chip in His Shoulder
    Something New Under