After the Fall

time I do, I wind up getting used for something, whether it’s a blowjob now and then or the fact that I’ve conveniently got a car.” He swallowed. “And the few times I’ve let someone in twice . . .” Trailing off, he broke eye contact. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
    “Ryan, listen to me,” I pleaded, my voice shaking. “I was never using you. I got in deeper than I thought I would, and I got scared. I was trying to keep from getting hurt myself, and I can’t apologize enough for hurting you.”
    “And how long before it happens again?” The anger in his tone faltered in favor of something less steady. He eased himself onto the couch a safe distance away from me. “I mean, maybe this all makes sense to you, but the only thing I know for sure is how it felt when it was over. And I don’t want to feel like that again.”
    “I don’t want to hurt you again either.” I barely resisted the urge to reach for him, just to make some contact even though I knew damn well it wouldn’t be welcome. “I didn’t want to hurt you the first time. I was trying to keep myself from getting hurt. It was obviously a misguided attempt, but you were leaving soon and—”
    “You’re using the fact that I might leave Tucker Springs to justify all this shit?” He glared at me. “The fact that I’m not putting down roots in this town justifies the fact that you walked away from me ?”
    “No, not at all.” I put up my hands. “Please, just let me finish. Hear me out.”
    Ryan set his jaw and narrowed his eyes, but didn’t say anything.
    I took a breath. “If anything, I used the fact that you were leaving Tucker Springs to let my guard down. I figured since there didn’t seem to be time for anything to happen between us, then it wouldn’t. And I let myself get more involved with you than I thought I would. I thought since you were leaving, nothing would happen. But . . . it did. And it terrified me.”
    “So what you’re saying is I was worth it to fuck for a while because you knew I’d eventually leave?”
    “What? No.”
    His eyebrow arched.
    “That’s not . . . that’s not . . .” I exhaled. “To be honest, I figured we were both just in it for a little while, and when you left, that would be it. I didn’t think either of us would get this emotionally invested. It wasn’t that I was using you and ignoring how you felt. It just seemed like we were both happy with sex and nothing more. I didn’t . . . I didn’t realize it would go this far.”
    “And yet when it did, your first instinct was to run.”
    “Once bitten,” I said.
    “Yeah. Once bitten is right.”
    I met his eyes again. “Okay, listen. I understand why you don’t give out second chances. That’s how I’ve been screwed over a few times too.”
    He watched me, but his expression didn’t change. It was completely blank and unreadable, every card held tight against his vest.
    I folded my hands to keep from wringing them. “Ryan, you’ve never done this before, and—”
    “No, I haven’t.” He glared at me. “So what? Does that mean—”
    “It means I know how bad it hurts when it falls apart.”
    “As do I,” he growled.
    “Yes, you do. God, Ryan, I’m sorry. I really am.” I exhaled hard and ran a hand through my hair. “The thing is, I’ve been doing everything I can to avoid going through that again, even if it meant never letting anything get off the ground.” I took a deep breath. “Even when I meet someone who’s obviously worth the risk, and who I managed to fuck over because I’m afraid of getting fucked over again.”
    Ryan’s brow furrowed, but he didn’t say anything.
    I moistened my lips. “I’ve been through hell and back because of guys, and I was afraid to do that again.”
    “Did you think I would do that to you?”
    “I didn’t think the other guys would either.”
    He arched his eyebrow again. “And I didn’t think you would.”
    I exhaled. “I—”
    “Just because I’m inexperienced doesn’t make me an idiot. I’m not going to set myself up to fall on my face again. And for that matter, look at it from where I’m standing. In the beginning, you told me I wasn’t obligated to keep helping you out. But I never saw it that way. Everything I was doing was because I wanted to, not because I thought I was obligated or because I wanted to get into your pants. Yeah, I felt bad for what happened to you—and I still do—but I also started to . . . feel something. I liked you. I