Bloodsucking fiends: a love story

scientific process would begin.
    "Go ahead, honey, give it a try," Tommy said, shortly after he'd read Dracula .
    "I am trying," Jody said. "I don't know what I'm supposed to try to do."
    "Concentrate," Tommy said. "Push."
    "What do you mean, push? I'm not giving birth, Tommy. What am I supposed to push on?"
    "Try to grow fur. Try to make your arms change into wings."
    Jody closed her eyes and concentrated – strained, even – and Tommy thought a little color came into her face.
    Finally she said, "This is ridiculous." And it was determined that Jody could not turn into a bat.
    "Mist," Tommy said. "Try to turn into mist. If you forget your key sometime, you can just ooze under the door to get in."
    "It's not working."
    "Keep trying. You know how your hair gathers in the shower drain? Well, if it gets clogged, you can just flow down there and dig out the clog."
    "There's some motivation."
    "Give it a try."
    She tried and failed and the next day Tommy brought some Drano home from the store instead.
    "But I could take you to the park and throw a Frisbee for you."
    "I know, but I can't."
    "I'll buy you all kinds of chew toys – a squeaky duck if you want."
    "I'm sorry, Tommy, but I can't turn into a wolf."
    "In the book, Dracula climbs down the castle wall face down."
    "Good for him."
    "You could try it on our building. It's only three stories."
    "That's still a long way to fall."
    "You won't fall. He doesn't fall in the book."
    "And he levitates in the book, doesn't he?"
    "Yeah."
    "And we tried that, didn't we?"
    "Well, yeah."
    "Then I'd say that the book is fiction, wouldn't you?"
    "Let's try something else; I'll get the list."
    "Mind reading. Project your thoughts into my mind."
    "Okay, I'm projecting. What am I thinking?"
    "I can tell by the look on your face."
    "You might be wrong, what am I thinking?"
    "You'd like me to stop badgering you with these experiments."
    "And?"
    "You want me to take our clothes to the Laundromat."
    "And?"
    "That's all I'm getting."
    "I want you to stop rubbing garlic on me while I'm sleeping."
    "You can read thoughts!"
    "No, Tommy, but I woke up this evening smelling like a pizza joint. Stop it with the garlic."
    "So you don't know about the crucifix?"
    "You touched me with a crucifix?"
    "You weren't in any danger. I had a fire extinguisher right there in case you burst into flames."
    "I don't think it's very nice of you to experiment on me while I'm sleeping. How would you feel if I rubbed stuff on you while you were sleeping?"
    "Well, it depends. What are we talking about?"
    "Just don't touch me while I'm sleeping, okay? A relationship is based on mutual trust and respect."
    "So I guess the mallet and the stake are out of the question?"
    "Tommy!"
    "Kmart had a sale on mallets. You were wondering if you were immortal. I wasn't going to try it without asking you."
    "How long do you think it will take for you to forget what sex feels like?"
    "I'm sorry, Jody. Really, I am."
    The question of immortality did, indeed, bother Jody. The old vampire had said that she could be killed, but it was not the sort of thing that you could easily test. It was Tommy, of course, after a long talk with Peary while trying to avoid working on his little Southern-girl story one morning, who came up with the test.
    Jody awoke one evening to find him in the bathroom emptying ice cubes out of a tray into the big claw-foot tub.
    He said, "I was a lifeguard one summer in high school."
    "So?"
    "I had to learn CPR. I spent half the summer pumping pissy pool water out of exhausted nine-year-olds."
    "So?"
    "Drowning."
    "Drowning?"
    "Yeah, we drown you. If you're immortal, you'll be fine. If not, the cold water will keep you fresh and I can revive you. There's about thirty more trays of ice stacked up on Peary. Could you grab some?"
    "Tommy, I'm not sure about this."
    "You want to know, don't you?"
    "But a tub of ice water?"
    "I've run all the possibilities down – guns, knives, an injection of potassium nitrate – this is the only one that can fail and not really kill you. I know you want to know, but I don't want to lose you to find out."
    Jody, in spite of herself, was touched. "That's the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me."
    "Well, you wouldn't want to kill me, would you?" Tommy was a little concerned about the fact that Jody had been feeding on him every four days. Not that he felt sick or weak; on the contrary, he found that each time she bit him he was energized, stronger, it seemed. He was throwing